


Cigarette Burns

by Ruinwyn



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Canon, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-07
Updated: 2015-03-07
Packaged: 2018-03-16 16:59:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 25,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3495974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ruinwyn/pseuds/Ruinwyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jiyong grows up and falls in love and gets his heart broken along the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Spark

 

Jiyong decides to become a performer when he’s six years old.  His mom plays a big part in that.  She signs him up for ballet and gets him started in show business.  He discovers his love for music when he’s really young.

But more than that, he discovers how much he loves being the center of attention.  All eyes on him, smiling, clapping, cheering him on.  It’s his favorite thing in the world.

He decides that’s going to be his life, and he never looks back.

He thinks it’ll be the same when he meets the person he’s supposed to marry.  That it’ll be just like music.  That he’ll take one look at her face and just  _know_.  He’ll dedicate his whole life to her and never think twice about it.

 

 

He starts to think he might be mistaken about that when he’s in middle school.  Not about the love at first sight part, but about the part where that love will be a ‘her’.

He’s around singers and stylists all the time, so boys liking other boys isn’t a new concept to him, but he does wonder, in the back of his mind, if maybe there’s something wrong with him.  He’s friends with more guys than girls, which isn’t strange for a boy his age, but while the other boys are all giggling over how short the girls’ skirts are, Jiyong’s much more interested in the way his friend’s bare shoulders look when he changes his shirt for gym class.

He thinks about trying to talk to Youngbae about it.  They’re best friends, and they train together every day.  Jiyong thinks if anyone would be willing to listen without judging, it would be Youngbae.  But when he tentatively tries to broach the subject, Youngbae quotes scripture at him, and Jiyong pretends he’s talking about someone other than himself.

It makes him think that maybe he was right, maybe there  _is_  something wrong with him.  So he starts paying extra attention to the girls around him – maybe he only thinks he likes boys because he’s only ever around boys, maybe he just needs to give girls a chance.  How can he know for sure unless he tries?

He winds up getting himself a girlfriend.  He’s only in middle school, so all that really means is that he starts walking one of the girls to class and sitting with her at lunch.  She blushes when she sees him and acts like he’s something really special, gushing about how he’s already been on TV and how he’s going to be famous one day.  It makes Jiyong’s chest puff up, how adoring she is.

So one day, he doesn’t just walk her to class; he walks her home after.  When they get to her door, he smiles at the way she ducks her head, and then he leans forward and lets her have his first kiss.

It’s nice, he supposes.  Her lips are soft, and he likes the way she reacts to it.  But his palms don’t sweat, and his heart doesn’t flutter, and he winds up slowing distancing himself from her over the next few days until she finally gets mad at him enough to dump him.

Jiyong lets himself pay attention to boys after that.  He watches Dongwook-sunbae a lot.  Jiyong thinks he’s the most beautiful person he’s ever seen.  He has full lips and flawless skin and a tall, lean body that draws Jiyong’s eyes no matter how hard he tries to stop it.

But then Dongwook tells him his moves are sloppy and his high notes are too thin and he’d better practice harder if he ever hopes to accomplish anything.  Jiyong sniffs and decides this guy doesn’t deserve to be his new crush after all.

 

 

He thinks Dami’s the first one who suspects him, but he can’t be sure of that.  Jiyong’s been sneaking into his sister’s closet ever since he was little.  He borrows her clothes when she’s not looking and clomps around in her heels when she’s not home.  She scolds him for copying her when she catches him, but he gets away with it more often than not.

One day, Dami comes home to him elbow deep in her makeup, two bright circles of blush on the apples of his cheeks, his eyes lined in thick, dark kohl.  She doesn’t bother scolding him this time.  She just hides her laugh behind her hand before helping him wash it all off. 

Once his face is bare again, she gets her foundation out and starts dabbing it all over Jiyong’s skin.  “If you’re going to wear it, I might as well teach you how.”

She shows him where the blush should really go and teaches him that less is sometimes more when it comes to eyeliner.  When she’s done, Jiyong can’t stop staring at himself in the mirror.  He looks so  _pretty_. 

Dami giggles at his fascination with himself.  “Who are you trying to impress?”  Jiyong shrugs like he doesn’t know what she’s talking about, but she grins knowingly and then slides him an eyeliner pencil.  “Here.  Now you have your own.  So stop stealing my stuff.”

Jiyong agrees to stop, but the next day, he’s back in her room, trying out her new lipstick.

 

 

Hyunsuk-hyung is the first one who calls him out on it.  They’re in his office one day, talking about Jiyong’s progress, when Hyunsuk abruptly says, “You like boys, don’t you?”

Jiyong’s jaw drops and an embarrassed heat creeps up into his face.  He’s so shocked by Hyunsuk’s bluntness that he can’t even pull himself together enough to deny it.

Hyunsuk chuckles at his discomfort.  “You’re going to have to get smoother at fielding questions like this if you ever hope to become a celebrity.”

He doesn’t tell Jiyong that it’s bad or wrong or that he should force himself to stop.  He just finishes off with, “We might have to do some PR after you debut, but we’ll worry about that then.”

 

 

Jiyong winds up being wrong about the love at first sight part, too.  He doesn’t fall immediately.  It takes a bit.

He meets this boy when he’s still in middle school.  They live in the same neighborhood so Jiyong often sees him out and about.  Jiyong’s scared of him at first.  The boy is big and pudgy with angry looking eyebrows, and Jiyong’s worried he might try to beat him up for his lunch money.

One day, Jiyong heads over to the bus stop and is dismayed to find the boy already sitting there.  Jiyong nervously sits down on the far side of the bench.  The boy doesn’t look up at him, though.  He’s wearing a set of earbuds and bobbing his head gently to whatever song is playing.

Jiyong watches him out of the corner of his eye, and slowly, his apprehension fades.  The boy is making these subtle hand gestures, like the ones Jiyong’s learned from hip hop MVs and that summer program he went to.  Jiyong slides a little closer on the bench, curious.

The boy finally looks over when he realizes he’s gained an audience.

“What are you listening to?” Jiyong asks him.

The boy takes one bud out of his ear, and Jiyong repeats his question.  Instead of answering, he offers up one of his earbuds.  Jiyong gingerly puts it in his ear and hears the familiar beat of C.R.E.A.M.  Jiyong smiles excitedly.  Hardly anyone he knows listens to real rap.

“I  _love_  this,” he gushes, and then realizes how uncool he probably sounds.  “I mean, it’s dope.”

The boy grins shyly at him, and Jiyong can’t help noticing how much that grin softens his face.  The boy’s dimples even make him look kind of cute.  Jiyong feels silly for ever being afraid of him.

“I’m really into East Coast stuff right now,” the boy says, an invitation for Jiyong to talk to him some more.

“This is my favorite album,” Jiyong replies, and they spend the next ten minutes talking about which songs they like, which Wu-Tang member is their favorite, and how Korean rap compares.

But then Jiyong realizes he doesn’t even know this boy’s name.  “I’m Kwon Jiyong,” he introduces.

“Choi Seunghyun.”

“How old are you?”

Jiyong learns that Seunghyun is one year older than him.  He wants to ask more, but he’s cut off when the bus comes.  He reluctantly gives Seunghyun his borrowed earbud back and follows him onto the bus.  They head toward the back, away from the ahjummas sitting at the front, and when Seunghyun slides into one of the empty rows, he slides all the way over to the window, and Jiyong bites down on his lip before sliding in beside him.

It’s awkward at first, with neither of them saying anything.  Jiyong starts chewing on the side of his thumbnail because he’s not sure what else he should do.  But then Seunghyun offers up one of his earbuds again, and Jiyong smiles, accepting. 

Seunghyun’s stop comes first.  Jiyong has to get up out of his seat to let him out.  Seunghyun hitches his backpack further up on his shoulder and smiles.  “See you around.”

Jiyong feels himself mirroring that smile.  “Yeah.  See you around.”  Seunghyun goes to turn and head up the aisle when Jiyong blurts out, “Can I call you Hyung?”

Seunghyun grins and nods, and then he takes his leave.  Jiyong plops back down in his seat and looks out the window.  He watches Seunghyun walk down the sidewalk as the bus pulls away.

They wind up hanging out and becoming friends, and Jiyong thinks he’s  _so cool_.  Seunghyun might know more about rap than even  _Teddy-hyung_ , if that’s possible. 

But that’s not all.  Seunghyun’s loud and funny, and he never goes to school, and before long, they’re spending nearly every afternoon squished together beside a stack of CDs, making each other listen to their favorite songs.  Youngbae comes along sometimes, but mostly, it’s just the two of them.

Jiyong doesn’t even know he’s developed a crush until he realizes that he spends the whole time they’re together smiling wide enough to make his cheeks ache, and then he hears Seunghyun rap for the first time, and that clinches it. 

Jiyong’s fantasized so many times about the kind of boy he’d want for his boyfriend, and honestly, Seunghyun doesn’t fit the bill.  He’s not pretty and fit like Dongwook, but his eyes do have their own brand of charm, and the more time Jiyong spends around him, the more he starts to like Seunghyun’s dimples.

Jiyong’s pretty sure Seunghyun didn’t have the same epiphany about them, though.  Seunghyun talks a lot about girls in short skirts and high heels and how much he likes that one girl from Fin.K.L, so Jiyong resigns himself to yet another unrequited crush.

It’s all moot when he has to move away a few months later. 

 

 

Jiyong gets his first boyfriend when he’s in high school.  He’s had a couple boys confess to him over the years, but this is the first one he accepts.  His name is Jinho.  He’s cute, and they’re in their school musical together, and he gives Jiyong chocolates on White Day.

Jiyong goes over to his house, and they hide under the covers, and Jiyong’s gives his first handjob.  He doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing at first, but he tries to act like he does, kissing him and stroking him with a bravado that he doesn’t really feel.  His boyfriend comes hot and sticky all over his stomach, and they both laugh and giggle at how messy it is.

Jiyong keeps coming over, and he finally learns to use his mouth.  His boyfriend goes down on him, too, but Jiyong’s clearly better at it.  He takes a strange sense of pride in that.

Jiyong starts getting curious after that.  One day, when he’s turned out the lights and tucked himself into bed, he starts jerking himself off, but then he slides his hand lower, over the sensitive skin below his balls and in between his cheeks.  He knows this is how it’s supposed to work.  When two boys are together, this is how they fit together.  In theory, at least.  Jiyong’s skeptical about whether or not it’ll actually feel good.

His hole puckers up at the first brush of his finger, but he probes at himself until he can get one dry digit halfway inside.  It feels foreign and strange, and his inner muscles keep clenching up to try and push his finger back out, but when he wraps his other hand around his cock, he can’t believe how much better it feels.

He likes it more and more the more he does it, especially once he starts getting his fingers good and slick and learns just where to rub to make it feel  _good_.

He tries sharing his discovery with his boyfriend the next time Jiyong sucks him.  He wets his finger with saliva and starts to tease at his hole, but Jinho jerks and scoots away.  “What are you doing?”

Jiyong laughs at the bewilderment on his face.  “Relax.  It feels good.”

Jinho worries at his lip.  After a minute, he says, “I don’t want to.”

Jiyong shrugs.  That’s fine.  His loss.  “Do you wanna do it to me then?”

Jinho seems to find that slightly more acceptable.  “Yeah, okay.”

They shuffle around on the bed so that Jiyong’s the one lying down instead, and then Jiyong walks him through how he likes to be touched.  Jinho’s fingers are clumsy inside him.  Jiyong bites down on his lip and rolls his hips, trying to get them where he wants them, but he can’t quite get there.  The licks of pleasure from Jinho’s touch fade before they can build.

Jiyong pulls Jinho down so he can kiss him, so he can suck on his tongue and urge him along.  Jinho ruts against his hip, fingers thrusting into him with more eagerness than finesse, but it’s enough, that Jiyong feels so  _wanted_ , that Jinho  _makes_  Jiyong feel wanted.  Jiyong keeps their mouths fused together while he reaches down and brings himself off. 

 

 

Youngbae doesn’t talk to him for a week after he finds out about them.  He’s looking for their practice CD in Jiyong’s backpack when he finds one of the BL mangas Jiyong’s sister got him as a joke.  It’s all in Japanese so Jiyong can’t read it, but he still likes to look at the pictures.

Youngbae gives him a strange look.  “Why do you have something like this?”

“It’s Dami-noona’s,” he tries to lie, but if there’s one thing Jiyong’s horrible at, it’s lying, and Youngbae’s known him long enough to see right through him.

Jiyong can see the exact moment Youngbae puts it together.  “That guy you’ve been hanging out with lately.  The one whose house you’re always going to.  You and him…”

Jiyong presses his lips together and looks down at the floor.  He lets the guilty set of his shoulders answer for him.

Youngbae jerks away, betrayed, as if Jiyong’s no longer fit to be in his presence.  He storms out of the room and won’t even look at him the next time they see each other.

Days later, Jiyong finally catches him alone in the workout room.  Youngbae’s sitting on a bench, curling dumbbells, when Jiyong comes up to stand beside him.

“Can we talk?”

Youngbae still doesn’t look at him.  He stubbornly keeps working through his set of bicep curls.

Jiyong sighs.  “Are you mad at me because I’m…like that, or are you mad because I didn’t tell you?”

There’s a hitch in Youngbae’s movements that tells Jiyong he’s onto something.  “I thought I was your best friend.”

“You  _are_.”

“Then how could you not tell me?”

Jiyong can hear the caged hurt in Youngbae’s voice, but honestly, he doesn’t think his friend is being fair.  Jiyong’s voice is quiet when he answers him, “Because I was scared you’d react just like this.”

Youngbae’s fist tightens around the dumbbell, and it comes to a stop at the top of a curl.  Youngbae swallows before setting it down altogether.  Then, he looks around a bit like he doesn’t know where they’re supposed to go from here.  His eyes finally settle on the barbell suspended over the weight bench next to him.  “Do you wanna spot me?”

It’s not the acceptance Jiyong was looking for, but it’s  _something_.  “Yeah, sure.”

Youngbae slides over onto the other bench and gets into position.  Jiyong stands behind his head, ready to lend a hand if Youngbae gets tired.  They both know that won’t happen.  Youngbae’s far stronger than him.

Youngbae’s made it through fifteen reps before he finally cracks a grin.  “Just don’t go getting any ideas.  I like you and all, but I don’t wanna be your boyfriend.”

A surprised giggle breaks free of Jiyong’s throat.  He smiles, so relieved to have the tension broken.  “Don’t worry.  You’re not my type.”

For whatever reason, Jiyong’s mind flashes back to his old neighborhood friend, but he shakes his head and tries to think of Jinho, instead.

 

 

Jiyong has a thing for gestures.  Big, demonstrative gestures that give the events in his life meaning.  His and Jinho’s hundredth day of dating is coming up, and Jiyong really wants to make it special.  He agrees to be Dami’s errand boy for two weeks in exchange for enough money to buy Jinho the video game he’s been wanting.

Then, when the day comes, Jinho takes him out to do all the things normal couples do.  Jinho doesn’t really like shopping, but Jiyong does, so he suffers through it.  They go to the arcade and see a movie, and Jinho’s parents don’t think anything of it when Jiyong comes over afterward to spend the night.

They start making out on the bed just like they always do, only this time Jiyong does more than just pulling their clothes aside enough to put his hands where he wants them.  He strips them both and pulls the lube out, and then he very deliberately positions himself on all fours.  Jinho blinks at him with wide dilated eyes before shuffling in behind him.

It hurts.  Even with Jinho trying to be gentle, it still hurts.  Jiyong lowers his head down onto his elbows and tries to force himself to relax.  His breath seizes up inside him when Jinho pushes the rest of the way in.   _Fuck_.  He hadn’t expected it to burn like this.  His fingers always feel so  _good_.

Jinho goes still.  “Are you okay?”

Jiyong nods his head against his folded forearms.  “Yeah, just…go slow.”

So Jinho does.  He slides in and out carefully, and slowly, Jiyong gets used to it.  He grinds back against him, and just when it starts to feel good, Jinho jerks inside him and comes.

Jinho pulls out and plops down beside him, panting, and not knowing what else to do, Jiyong stretches out alongside him.  He’s sore, and the backs of his thighs are wet with come, but Jinho’s gazing at him with a besotted look on his face, and that makes it worth it.

Jinho pulls him in close and presses messy kisses against his lips, and Jiyong bucks against him to let him know they’re not done, yet.  Jinho gets the message.  He wraps his hand around Jiyong’s still hard cock and pumps.

It’s not the perfect first time, but much later on, when Jiyong tells the story, he describes it as special.

 

 

When Hyunsuk asks him and Youngbae if they know anyone who would be a good fit for their company, Jiyong thinks of Seunghyun again, only this time his mind stays focused on him like a hamster on a wheel he can’t get off.

Jiyong hasn’t seen him in ages, but he tracks him down and learns he’s rapping underground.  He goes by Tempo now, and he’s built a bit of a reputation for himself in the circles he runs in.  Jiyong finds out when his next performance is and drags Youngbae along to it.

When they arrive at the little club, Jiyong’s surprised they even manage to get in.  They’re still too young to be at a place like this.  Seunghyun’s too young to even be performing at it, for that matter.  But they do get in.  Jiyong thinks about trying to order a drink but then decides not to press his luck.

Seunghyun’s easy to spot.  He’s in the middle of this rowdy group of friends, all of them egging him on as he turns up his beer and chugs it down.  He slams the bottle down on the high table when he’s done and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.  His friends cheer and slide him another.

Jiyong watches as Seunghyun grins and clinks his bottle against another one held up beside him.  Seunghyun is still chubby, but he still has those pretty dimples when he smiles, and Jiyong finds himself smitten all over again.  Seunghyun is achingly familiar, a cherished snapshot of his youth come to life.

Jiyong feels nervous approaching him.  All of Seunghyun’s friends are older, and Jiyong feels like a child next to them, tiny and small, with a face too cute for real hip hop.  But Jiyong’s already come this far.

He winds through the mess of bodies separating them, Youngbae trailing behind.  Youngbae’s eyes are wide and eager, never having been in a place remotely like this before.

Seunghyun’s back is to him, so Jiyong taps on his shoulder to get his attention.  Seunghyun turns around, half-drunk and happy from all the alcohol.  Jiyong feels a little stupid, because what if Seunghyun doesn’t recognize him?  What if he didn’t make nearly as big of an impression on Seunghyun as Seunghyun did on him?

But Seunghyun’s eyes light up immediately.  “Jiyong!  It’s been so  _long_.”

Jiyong smiles at the sound of his name.  He holds his hand out for a fistbump, but Seunghyun wraps him in a bear hug instead.  Jiyong goes still.  It’s the first time Seunghyun’s ever hugged him.  And he’s not showing any signs of stopping.  Seunghyun grips him tight and starts rocking back and forth, and Jiyong grins – maybe Seunghyun’s a little more than half-drunk. 

Seunghyun presses his cheek against Jiyong’s, a dopey smile on his face, and Jiyong laughs.  He can’t help leaning into him.  He breathes in and smells a muddled musk of beer, cigarette smoke, and cheap cologne, and Jiyong’s surprised by how much he likes it.

But then Seunghyun spots Youngbae and pulls him in, too.  He keeps an arm slung around both their shoulders as he turns them back toward his friends.

“These are my friends!” Seunghyun says, eager like a puppy.  “And these are my other friends!” 

Jiyong laughs and greets them.  Youngbae does the same, albeit much more shyly.

Seunghyun’s friends invite them to join them.  Seunghyun even makes a move to go steal them a couple of stools, but Jiyong politely declines.  “Actually, can we talk to you first?  We came to see you for a reason.”

Seunghyun’s brows pull together in interest, but he lets Jiyong lead him over to one of the quieter tables in the corner.  They sit down, and Jiyong starts talking.  He tells Seunghyun all about YG and how it’s different from other companies, its foundation firmly rooted in hip hop.

Jiyong can see the hunger in Seunghyun’s eyes.  “Let’s do it,” Seunghyun says, suddenly remarkably sober-sounding.  “That’s my dream.”

Jiyong watches him get up on the dinky little stage after that and imagines one day standing up there with him.  This is going to be amazing.  It’s going to be just like old times, back when he and Seunghyun were kids and writing stupid raps together, talking about all the things they wanted to do when they grew up.  It’s going to be just like that but  _better_.

When Seunghyun finishes up and comes off the stage, Jiyong heads over to tell him how awesome he was, but he’s cut off by this girl in a short skirt and a sideways cap flinging herself into Seunghyun’s arms.  Jiyong remembers seeing her with Seunghyun’s other friends, but he hadn’t paid her much attention then.

Seunghyun’s hand finds its way to her hip, and Jiyong stops in his tracks.  He’s overcome with aching disappointment at her presence, which is stupid because he has a boyfriend and he hasn’t seen Seunghyun in years and they were never anything but friends, anyway.  But even still, he can’t shake it.

Seunghyun calls him over so he can introduce him to his girlfriend, and Jiyong returns her smile with a tight one of his own.

 

 

Jiyong helps Seunghyun make his demo.  Seunghyun’s pretty good with lyrics, but Jiyong’s the one who’s grown up around producers, so it only makes sense.  Jiyong’s so busy already.  He has dance practice and tumbling, voice lessons and workouts.  And he has to submit a new song to Hyunsuk once a week.  But even so, he carves out time for Seunghyun’s demo and works harder on it than anything else.

When Seunghyun fails his first audition, Jiyong’s devastated.  He feels angry and bitter, and he has to bite his tongue to keep from lashing out at Hyunsuk.

He can see how hurt and humiliated Seunghyun is when he shuffles out of the building, and Jiyong rushes to catch up to him.

“He doesn’t know  _anything_ ,” Jiyong spits.  “You’re way better than anyone else who’s auditioned.”

Seunghyun keeps trudging along quietly, but then he stops.  “He said I could try again.”

Jiyong’s heart almost breaks for him because Hyunsuk  _did_  say that, but it was conditional upon him losing the weight, and Jiyong just doesn’t know if his hyung will be able to get it off fast enough, if at all. 

But he wants so desperately for it to work out.  “Yeah,” Jiyong says.  “Try again.”

Jiyong honestly doesn’t expect anything to come of it, but a while later, Seunghyun comes back.  Jiyong didn’t even realize his second audition was scheduled for that day.

Jiyong almost doesn’t recognize him when he enters the building.  He’s trimmed way down, and his face looks slim and chiseled.  Jiyong can see the cut of sharp cheekbones and a devastating jaw.  It turns a once charming face into something to swoon over.  Jiyong’s heart does a little flip.

He closes the distance between them and puts his hands on Seunghyun’s newly slim waist before he can think to stop himself.  “Wow,” Jiyong breathes.

Seunghyun grins at him, those beautiful dimples even more pronounced.  “I know, right?  I got  _sexy_.”

Jiyong laughs and smacks him ineffectually on the chest, and the vice around his heart locks down tight.

 

 

Hyunsuk doesn’t mention anything about idols or boy bands or any of that.  Not at first.  Jiyong still thinks he’s training to debut with Youngbae, and he figures Seunghyun will be a solo act.  YG Entertainment is still a small company, though, so they all train together. 

Seunghyun wows everyone with his rapping and beatboxing, and Jiyong feels smug, like Seunghyun’s his to show off.  He  _knew_  Seunghyun was something special.

But then they go to their first dance lesson together.  Youngbae darts into the practice room like a bullet, just like he always does, ready and raring to go.  He’s already stretched and walking on his hands by the time Jiyong and Seunghyun make it into the room.

Seunghyun watches, dumbfounded, as Youngbae does a standing back tuck.  He turns around and pretends to walk out.

Jiyong laughs and tugs him back.

They break into a loose formation and start going over some choreography, basic stuff to get a feel for Seunghyun’s skill.

Except Seunghyun doesn’t have any skill.  None at all.  He’s awkward, and he can’t figure out where to step, and as soon as one of the trainers teaches him a move, he forgets it.  Jaewook-hyung is about to tear his hair out.  Even something as simple as a body roll, Seunghyun just can’t seem to get it.  Jiyong doesn’t understand it; Seunghyun has a great sense of rhythm.

When they disperse for a short break, Jiyong finds Seunghyun in front of the floor-length mirrors, moving his torso awkwardly, trying to get it to go where he wants it.  Jiyong giggles against the back of his hand.

Seunghyun stops, frustrated.  “Why do I have to learn this, anyway?  I’m a  _rapper_.  Aren’t there supposed to be hot girls that do this  _for_  me?”

Jiyong snickers.  “I don’t know how you’re gonna get  _any_  girls with moves like  _that_.”

Seunghyun chuckles at his joke and turns back to the mirror to try again.  This time Jiyong moves in beside him and does the move with him.  He pushes his chest out and patiently waits for Seunghyun to copy him, and then he slowly rolls, watching as Seunghyun rolls, too.

They keep repeating it, rolling their bodies over and over again until Seunghyun fully gets it.  Seunghyun looks over at him in interest.  “You’re pretty good at that.”

Jiyong grins.  “I  _know_.  Respect your sunbae.”

At the end of their first day of training together, Seunghyun asks him if he wants to go get ice-cream.  Jiyong shakes his head and makes him eat yogurt, instead.

 

 

Seunghyun still loves music just as much as Jiyong remembers.  Jiyong shows him some of the stuff he’s been working on.  Hyunsuk has assigned him to write two songs per week now using the instrumental of a famous American track.  The first time Jiyong had to do it, he was clueless as to where he should even  _begin_ , but now it comes easily, new melodies unfolding in his mind as soon as he hears the song.

Seunghyun is impressed the first time Jiyong shows him.  “You work so  _fast_ ,” he says.  “It takes me ages to finish anything.”

Jiyong shrugs, secretly pleased with Seunghyun’s praise.  “I don’t really have a choice.”

He pushes play on the track again and scribbles some lyric ideas into his notebook, and then he starts the track over, ready to try them out.  Seunghyun covers his mouth with one hand and joins in with some beatboxing. 

Jiyong smiles and plays the track again.

 

 

Seunghyun starts working on music, too.  Not to the same extent as Jiyong – Hyunsuk doesn’t burden anyone else with that – but Seunghyun’s given a few samples of his own and told to write some raps. 

Seunghyun wasn’t lying.  It takes him  _ages_. 

Jiyong figures it’s because he’s lazy, the same way he is with dancing and cleaning and picking up his dirty clothes.  But that’s not it at all.  Seunghyun hunkers over his notebook for days and days, listening to his beats, writing out lyrics and immediately crossing them out.

Jiyong finally steals the notebook from him.  He finds pages and pages of words, poetic and abstract and a lot more thought out than most of the stuff Jiyong writes.

“It’s not finished, yet,” Seunghyun says.  He looks self-conscious at having his words read.

Jiyong raises his brow.  “It looks like it’s been finished a few times, now.”

Seunghyun presses his lips together.  “I just want it to be perfect.”

“There’s no such thing,” Jiyong says.  “If you keep thinking that way, you’ll never get anything done.”

Jiyong huddles in close to him so they can both read the words.  They turn on the music so Seunghyun can perform his most recent draft, and Jiyong grins.  “I like it.”

Only then, Seunghyun wants to show Jiyong all his  _other_  drafts.  They spend all night like that, shoulders pressed together, discussing the merits of each version.  Seunghyun gets really excited about it.  Excited and intensely focused.  And Jiyong feels so happy to be at the center of that focus.

The next day, Seunghyun shows Hyunsuk the final product and earns a nod of approval, and that night, Jiyong finds Seunghyun waiting for him in the little studio room, eager for more.

 

 

Seunghyun didn’t give Jiyong his first kiss, but he does give him his first cigarette.  They’re sitting together on the sidewalk of some little side street, and Jiyong’s watching as Seunghyun hits the bottom of his pack against the heel of his hand.

Seunghyun slides a cigarette between his lips and then pulls out his lighter to light it, and it’s the sexiest thing Jiyong’s ever seen, the way the smoke curls around Seunghyun’s lips as he blows it out.

“Can I have one?” Jiyong asks.

Seunghyun quirks one eyebrow at him.  “Have you ever smoked before?”

“Sure,” Jiyong lies.  “Loads of times.”

Seunghyun shrugs before offering up his pack.  Jiyong’s about to ask for the lighter next, but Seunghyun’s a step ahead of him, holding it up for him and flicking his thumb over the spark wheel.  Jiyong hesitates for just a second before leaning forward and letting Seunghyun light his cigarette for him.  He tries his best not to let Seunghyun see the way his eyes water when he takes his first drag.

Jiyong doesn’t have to ask anymore after that.  Seunghyun wordlessly offers him one each time he gets one for himself.

 

 

Jinho doesn’t last long after Seunghyun comes back in the picture.  Jiyong doesn’t mean for it to happen that way.  He’s still trying to be a good boyfriend.  He sends Jinho texts every day and calls him every night before he goes to bed.

Except the night he doesn’t.

Seunghyun has some B2K song turned up loud, and he’s bopping around the kitchen, scooping out huge dollops of ice-cream into one of the large mixing bowls they use for cooking, as if a regular bowl just isn’t big enough.  Youngbae’s staring on in horror, like he can’t believe his musical destiny is now tied to this undisciplined creature.

Jiyong’s just trying not to facepalm.  “What do you think you’re doing?  You can’t eat all that.”

That doesn’t even phase Seunghyun.  He just keeps bouncing to the beat and doling out his ice-cream.  When he finally decides it’s enough, he pulls out a package of yanggaeng and starts cutting up chunks to sprinkle all over the top. 

Jiyong wrinkles his nose at it.  “Yanggaeng?  Really?”

Seunghyun grins, proud of himself.  “Red beans are good for you, right?  I’m just having a healthy snack.”  Seunghyun drizzles chocolate syrup all over it.

“Yah!  That’s not…you can’t just…”  God.  Seunghyun’s so ridiculous that Jiyong doesn’t even know how to respond to him.  Jiyong huffs in exasperation, “You’re gonna put the weight right back on!”

Seunghyun shovels his spoon into the mountain of ice-cream and takes a big, heaping bite.  He hasn’t even finished swallowing when he grins and shrugs, “Then you can just chain me to the treadmill till I work it off again.”

Youngbae scowls at him, unimpressed.  “I can’t watch this anymore.  It’s like watching a car wreck.” 

Youngbae leaves the two of them alone in the kitchen.  Seunghyun’s still grinning.  He spoons out another scoop of ice-cream and holds it up toward Jiyong.  “Bite?”

“ _No_ , I don’t want a  _bite_.”

“It’s really  _good_ ,” Seunghyun cajoles, waving the spoon in front of Jiyong’s face.  “You know you want it.”

Jiyong’s gaze flits from the spoon up to Seunghyun’s mouth.  Yeah, he  _does_  want it.  Seunghyun’s grinning down at him, dimples etched deep in his cheeks, and Jiyong wants anything this boy will give him.

Jiyong exaggeratedly rolls his eyes before leaning forward, gently taking the spoon into his mouth, letting the cold ice-cream and rich flavor of chocolate sit on his tongue.  Seunghyun waits eagerly for him to swallow, like a newly married bride waiting on her husband’s reaction to a new dish.

Jiyong laughs at how cute it is.  “It’s good,” he admits.  “Could use less yanggaeng.”

Seunghyun laughs.  “You can never have enough yanggaeng.”

Seunghyun digs out another spoon and then heads into the living room.  He sits the bowl down on the coffee table long enough to turn off the music and put in a movie, and then he picks it back up and settles heavily into the sofa.

He looks toward Jiyong.  “You coming?”

The extra spoon is for him.

Jiyong wanders over and plops down next to him on the couch.  Seunghyun shifts the bowl toward him so Jiyong can get another bite.

They sit like that for what seems like ages and seconds all at the same time.  Jiyong’s acutely aware of every moment passing.  He looks down at the strip of space between them and feels the aching urge to cross into it.

Seunghyun’s enraptured with the movie.  Jiyong can’t remember what it’s called, but there are a lot of guns and some man is currently threatening another man with a chainsaw.  It’s probably the least romantic movie Jiyong can think of, which is a stupid thought to have because he has a boyfriend and he doesn’t even know if Seunghyun likes love stories.

But that space between them is still beckoning to Jiyong, calling out to him with its need to be breached.  It’s all he can focus on.  That and how nice Seunghyun’s forearm looks, the way it narrows into his wrist and broadens back out into his hand.  The way that hand looks splayed around the bowl, thick, tanned fingers with rough-looking knuckles.  A man’s hand.

Jiyong presses his lips together and gently slides in closer.

Seunghyun briefly glances over at him.

“So I can reach the ice-cream better,” Jiyong explains, though an explanation doesn’t seem to be needed.  Seunghyun doesn’t seem to mind the added closeness at all.  He just shifts the bowl so it’s balanced between both of their laps, resting right where their thighs are now pressed together.

Seunghyun focuses back in on the movie, but Jiyong stays focused on him.  There are machine guns blazing all over the screen, but he watches it all with unseeing eyes. 

When it’s finally over, Seunghyun gets up to turn it off.  “What did you think?” Seunghyun asks.  “Al Pacino’s one of my favorite actors.”

Honestly, Jiyong hardly remembers anything he’s just seen.  It’s just a bunch of muddled images of guns and blood spatter and a guy in a suit.  “I loved it,” he answers.

The next day, he gets a text from his boyfriend.   _I never heard from you last night.  Everything okay?_

Jiyong feels the little prick of guilt, but he does a good job of rationalizing it away.  He didn’t do anything wrong, after all.  It’s not like Jiyong broke a promise.  He never said he’d call; it was just sort of assumed.  Couples don’t have to talk every night, right?

And Seunghyun?  Well, there’s nothing to that.  It’s just a crush.  It’s not like anything will ever come of it.  It’s like…it’s like being infatuated with a celebrity or something.  Harmless and futile.  It’s not like Jiyong  _cheated_.  He couldn’t even if he wanted to; Seunghyun’s out of his reach.

 _Yeah_ , he texts back.   _Everything’s fine.  One of the other trainees needed some help, and I lost track of time_.

 

 

The end comes soon after.

He and Jinho are talking on the phone a few nights later, and Jiyong’s telling him all about his day.

“You should’ve  _seen_  what Seunghyunnie-hyung did today.  It was  _so_  funny.”  He then goes into this big spiel about how Seunghyun spent their whole dance lesson moving about like a gorilla and winding Jaewook up.  “Oh!  And there’s this joke he told me –”

Jinho cuts him off before he can relay the joke.  “What are you doing this weekend?  Do you wanna hang out?”

Jiyong blinks at the abrupt change in subject.  “This weekend?  Sorry, I can’t.  I already have plans.”

“With Seunghyun?”

Jiyong can hear the accusation in his voice.  “Not  _just_  him.  What does it matter?”

“Do you  _like_  him?”

“What?   _No._ ”  Jiyong laughs, “Of course not.”  Except he takes a beat too long to answer and doesn’t sound remotely convincing.

Jinho’s quiet on the other end of the line.  “You always were a bad liar.”

“ _Jinho_.”

But Jinho hangs up.  Jiyong nearly dials him back, but then he hears Youngbae calling out to him from the other room.  “Jiyong!  You have to come see this!  Seunghyun-hyung’s walking on his hands!”

Jiyong comes out to see Seunghyun standing with his legs shoved through the arms of one of his hoodies, arms extended above his head with a sneaker on each hand.  He waddles around in his best impersonation of Youngbae walking on his hands.  Jiyong falls against the wall and laughs.

He never calls Jinho back. 

He does send him a text, though:   _I’m sorry._

 

 

Seunghyun and his girlfriend have been together for a while.  She comes over to the dorm sometimes, not very often because their schedule is so rigid, but it’s still enough to get under Jiyong’s skin. 

She’s just so  _nice_.  She’s sweet and pretty, and her laugh sounds like bells, and Jiyong kind of hates her for it.  Hates the way Seunghyun dotes on her, the way he’s always making an ass out of himself to get her to laugh.  But most of all, he hates the way her hand keeps finding its way to Seunghyun, like it  _belongs_  there, like he belongs  _to_  her.

Because Jiyong saw him  _first_.  He and Seunghyun were friends long before this girl ever came into the picture.  Jiyong’s the one who spent weeks helping Seunghyun come up with a demo.  He’s the one who got him his audition, his  _shot_.  Jiyong’s the one helping Seunghyun achieve his dreams.  If Seunghyun belongs to anyone, it should be to  _him_.

Seunghyun doesn’t seem to get that, though.  He smiles at her and holds her hand, and Jiyong swallows, unable to look away.

Jiyong sees the way Seunghyun watches her.  She flutters about in her little denim skirts, and Seunghyun’s eyes wander to her legs.  It makes Jiyong more conscious of his own legs.  His clothes tend to be baggy, mostly oversized t-shirts and saggy pants – they’re training to be a hip hop group, after all – but he starts wandering around their dorm in this tiny pair of shorts he stole from his sister, pretending like he’s not hoping Seunghyun will notice.

Seunghyun does notice.  He drops a pair of sweats on Jiyong’s head.  “Put on some clothes.  You’re practically naked.”

Jiyong pushes the sweats off to the side.  “You don’t mind when your girlfriend wears short things.  What does it matter if I do?”

Seunghyun shrugs, smiling easily.  “She’s my girlfriend.  I’m supposed to look at her legs.”

“And you’re not supposed to look at mine?  What’s the problem?  We’re both men.”

Seunghyun’s eyes sparkle.  “ _That’s_  the problem.  Your little shorts make me forget that.  It’s distracting.”  Then he cracks up laughing all by himself, and Jiyong throws the sweats right back at him.

 

 

Seunghyun catches him putting on eyeliner one day.  Jiyong’s bent slightly over the counter in front of the bathroom mirror, filling in his waterline, when Seunghyun walks in.

“Oh, sorry,” he says, already trying to retreat.  “I didn’t realize anyone was in here.”

Jiyong’s embarrassed at being caught, embarrassed at what he’s doing, never mind that they’re going to be celebrities and they’ll wear this stuff all the time.  This is different.  They’re not going on stage or out in front of a camera.

But Jiyong tries to play it off.  “Don’t worry about it,” he says, with more bravado than what he feels.  “I was just finishing up.”  He smudges a tiny bit of eyeliner in the outer corners of his eyes before putting the cap back on his pencil.

When Jiyong turns to walk out, he’s surprised to see Seunghyun grinning at him in the doorway.  “You look cute,” Seunghyun tells him.  “If I didn’t already have a girlfriend, I’d ask you out.”

Jiyong knows Seunghyun is only teasing, but his heart doesn’t seem to be privy to that knowledge.  It speeds up and does this sickening flutter in his chest, and Jiyong has to take in two steadying breaths to get it to calm back down.

 

 

Jiyong imagines it, sometimes.  Seunghyun breaking up with his girlfriend.  He imagines Seunghyun holding him close while he apologizes for not realizing his true feelings sooner.

But even when Seunghyun and his girlfriend  _do_  break up, Jiyong still doesn’t get his wish.  Instead, Seunghyun is distraught.  He mopes around the dorm and listens to sad folk music and refuses to do anything outside of their schedule for weeks.

Jiyong almost wishes they never broke up.  Because at least then he could pretend that that’s why he and Seunghyun aren’t together.  He could tell himself that this girl got there first, that Seunghyun’s too good of a guy to stray.  But Seunghyun’s single now, and they’re no closer to being together, and Jiyong’s forced to admit to himself that this fantasy of his is never going to happen.

One night, when Seunghyun is lying on his mattress, staring forlornly at the ceiling, Jiyong sits down beside him.  “Are you doing okay?” he asks.

Seunghyun doesn’t answer. 

Jiyong looks down at his lap, trying to figure out something he can say to comfort him.  “I know it sucks now, but you’ll find someone else.”

Seunghyun doesn’t even look at him.  He just keeps staring up at the ceiling.  “I don’t want anyone else.”

Jiyong aches at that.  He understands all too well how that feels.  He goes to sleep that night dreaming of Seunghyun while Seunghyun is dreaming of someone else.

 

 

He remembers when he used to think that he liked Seunghyun in spite of him not being his ideal type, but now Jiyong can’t think of him as anything  _but_ that.  Seunghyun is funny and kind and handsome, and he’s really passionate about music, and if Jiyong were to sit down and dream up his ideal guy, he’d conjure Seunghyun to life.

He knew he had a little bit of a crush before, but now it’s agonizing.  His heart aches every time he sees Seunghyun smile, and he spends just as much time doodling Seunghyun’s name in his notebook as he does writing actual lyrics.

It’s ridiculous and nauseating and absolutely  _hopeless_.  Because Seunghyun likes girls so Jiyong isn’t even a contender.

But sometimes, just  _sometimes_ , Seunghyun will throw his arm around his shoulders or tease him on Cyworld or light his cigarettes, and Jiyong’s heart will flutter like crazy, and he'll think,  _maybe someday_.

 

 

 


	2. Ash

 

 

Meeting up with Danny and Seungho again is like a revelation.  They both have strong personalities, and they want to be designers, and they both talk about things like sex and boys and sex with boys right out in the open.  Well, not in the open per se, but in their little group of friends, they never censor themselves.

Jiyong’s so starved for the opportunity to just  _talk_  about these things that he blurts out his own confession.  “Me too.  I’m…me too.”

If he expected anyone to gasp in shock, he’s sorely disappointed.  Danny just squeezes his shoulder.  “Trust me.  We  _know_.”

Jiyong laughs and bats him away, but even after the conversation picks up elsewhere, Jiyong continues to smile.

It didn’t bother him admitting it in front of Seunghyun when the others were around.  Everyone else was supportive and welcoming, and Jiyong felt nothing but accepted.  But on the walk back to the dorms, Jiyong starts to feel an itch in his hands.  He starts having all these second thoughts, like what if Seunghyun’s weird around him now?  What if he won’t want Jiyong to touch him anymore?

“Does it bother you?” Jiyong whispers.  They might as well get it out in the open now.  “That I’m like that?”

Seunghyun’s brows pull together in confusion.  “It never has before, why would it start now?”

Jiyong’s jaw drops, and he comes to a stop.  Seunghyun  _knew?_

Seunghyun snickers at Jiyong’s reaction.  “You didn’t exactly hide your boyfriend that well.”

Jiyong’s mouth stays open in surprise, and Seunghyun laughs.  His hyung throws one arm around his shoulders and ushers him along.

 

 

Jiyong’s naturally an affectionate person.  He likes hugs and touching, and he especially likes touching Seunghyun.  But he tries not to do it too much.  Or at least, not as much as he wants to.

But one night, he and Seunghyun are out, walking around Hongdae, and it’s so fucking cold that he can’t stop shivering.  Seunghyun rolls his eyes.  He grabs Jiyong’s hands and tucks them into his coat pocket, and then he slings an arm around Jiyong’s shoulders and keeps walking.  Jiyong shoves his hands deeper into his pocket and cuddles up under his arm.

It becomes a habit.  Whether it’s cold or not, Jiyong will slip his hand into Seunghyun’s pocket, and Seunghyun will grin down at him and let him keep it there.

 

 

Jiyong still loves attention, only he never seems to get as much of it as he wants from the person he wants, so he has to settle for getting it elsewhere.  All the members of Nuthang go out one night along with a few other mutual friends, and Jiyong gets drunk enough that he thinks collecting kisses from everyone is a good idea.

He skips over to Danny and Seungho and taps his finger insistently against his cheek.  “Kiss!” he demands.  Danny does it without any fuss, but Seungho snickers and licks his face instead.  Jiyong scrunches up his nose and wipes the slobber away, but whatever, that probably still counts.

He bounds over to Kyungil and then Soohyuk.  “Kiss!” he tells them, offering up his cheek, and both of them grin in amusement and indulge him.

He’s seven kisses in by the time he gets to Seunghyun. 

“What are you doing?” Seunghyun asks him.

“I’m collecting kisses,” Jiyong says, tapping his cheek.  Seunghyun reaches out and smears his hand over Jiyong’s cheek, and Jiyong yelps and pulls back.  “Don’t!  You’ll wipe them away!”  Seunghyun giggles as Jiyong scolds him.

“Why do you need so many kisses?” Seunghyun asks.

“I just  _do_.”  Jiyong leans back in and presents his cheek again.  “Come on.  You can be lucky number eight.”

Seunghyun leans in like he’s going to do it, but at the last minute, he takes Jiyong by the chin and turns his head the other way.  He brushes his lips against the cheek no one else has kissed, yet.  “I’d rather be number one.”

Seunghyun gives him a big, dimpled grin as he pulls away, and Jiyong cups his hand over the spot where his hyung just kissed him.

He doesn’t let anyone else kiss that cheek for the rest of the night.

 

 

Danny’s the one who lays down the law with him about safe sex.  He’s absolutely horrified when he learns Jiyong’s been having sex without protection.  He tsks and shakes his head over the state of sexual education in Korea and promptly buys Jiyong his first box of condoms.

“Wear these,” he orders.  “Or make your partner wear them.  However you do it.”

Jiyong doesn’t shed any light on his preferences.  He just takes the box with embarrassed hands and promises to do as Danny says.  He hasn’t been with a ton of people since Jinho, but he hasn’t exactly been a monk.

Danny’s also the one who gets him his first vibrator.

Nuthang gets together a few days before Christmas to have their own party.  Hardly any of them have any money to speak of so most of the presents are packs of cigarettes and bottles of soju they’re not old enough to have.

Honestly, Jiyong should’ve known better.  When Danny hands him this narrow, wrapped box, he’s wearing a wide smirk, and that smirk should’ve sent a cacophony of warning bells off in Jiyong’s head.  But instead, Jiyong tears it open like he did with all the others presents and pulls the lid off the box.  He immediately goes scarlet.  “Oh!”

Seunghyun peers at him curiously.  “What is it?”

Jiyong shoves the lid back on.  “Nothing.”

Seunghyun reaches over and tries to peek under the lid.  Jiyong yelps and grips the box tightly to his chest.

Seunghyun sends a bewildered look towards Danny.  “What did you get him?”

Danny just smirks.  At his side, Seungho waggles his eyebrows.  “I know what it is.  I was with him when he picked it out.”

Seunghyun reaches for the box again, but Jiyong holds tight.  But then Seunghyun and Soohyuk meet eyes over his lap, and the next thing he knows, they’re both tickling at his ribs and his hips.  Jiyong laughs and tries to squirm away, but there’s one on either side of him and nowhere for him to go.

Seunghyun finally gets his arms wrapped around Jiyong so that Jiyong’s back is trapped against his chest.  He holds Jiyong tight so Soohyuk can pry the box out of his fingers.

“Don’t you dare!” Jiyong orders.  He wiggles a bit in Seunghyun’s arms to get away, but it’s no use.  Soohyuk’s already opening the box.

Soohyuk bursts out laughing the moment he sees what’s inside.  He tilts it a little so Seunghyun can get a look.  There’s a long, red phallus inside, wrapped in a big green bow.

“Merry Christmas!” Danny gushes.  “I wanted to give you the gift that would keep on giving.”

Jiyong wants to crawl into a hole.  He wants to slide in between the couch cushions and live there for the rest of his days.

Soohyuk snorts.  “I can’t believe you got him a dildo.”  And then he proceeds to take said dildo out of the box.  He holds it up and looks it over, the fluffy green bow waving obscenely in the air.

“It’s not  _just_  a dildo,” Danny says, like he’s almost offended at the idea.  As if his pride is at stake over choosing the proper sex toy for Jiyong.  “It  _vibrates_.”

Soohyuk chuckles and turns it over in his hand.  Seunghyun leans his chin over Jiyong’s shoulder to get a better look.  Jiyong makes a grab for the dildo, but Seunghyun’s arms clamp down around him and tug him back.

Fuck.  He can’t believe Danny gave him something like this.  And in front of  _Seunghyun_. 

“Did you get him batteries for it?” Soohyuk asks.  He starts flicking the switch and banging on the side of it to get it to work.  Jiyong covers his face in his hands, mortified.  Seunghyun lets out a kind chuckle against his ear.

Danny’s face falls.  “I  _knew_  I was forgetting something.”

The next several minutes consists of everyone save him and Seunghyun going on a scavenging expedition for the right size batteries, finally pilfering the ones out of Seungho’s remote.

Jiyong groans.  This is the worst Christmas  _ever_.  Even if he  _does_  deserve to be on the naughty list – and he’s not saying he does; he doesn’t have to admit to anything – he’s supposed to get coal in his stocking, not a fucking  _vibrator_.

When Soohyuk finally gets the damn thing up and running, all his friends start laughing and cackling over the way it buzzes.  Soohyuk rests it against the back of his neck.  “This actually feels pretty good.”

“Let me see.”  Seungho reaches out for it, and Soohyuk hands it over.

Face hot, Jiyong sinks further back into Seunghyun’s arms as they all pass it around.  “Come on, guys,” he groans.  “Cut it out.” 

They all ignore him, of course.  They take turns passing it around, making increasingly lewd jokes about it, and then Danny hands it over to Seunghyun.

Seunghyun giggles like a naughty schoolboy as it buzzes in his hand.  His eyes shift from side to side mischievously, and then he thrusts it up against Jiyong’s mouth. 

“Yah!”  Jiyong sputters and slaps it away.  Seunghyun cackles wildly, far too pleased with himself.  He moves to do it again, but Jiyong laughs and shoves his arm away.

“What’s the matter, Jiyong?”  Seungho’s eyes glitter.  “Don’t you wanna suck Seunghyun’s dick?”

Jiyong narrows his eyes at him.  “He should be so lucky.”

When he goes home that night, he takes the dildo along with him, but only because Danny makes him.  He keeps it in the box it came in and tucks it deep into the recesses of his closet.  It’s not like he’s ever going to use it.

 

 

Jiyong  _does_  use it.  It’s not his fault he’s a curious person.  One day, he has the dorm all too himself, which is nice for the first hour or so, but then he gets bored.  He thinks about what he should do with all this unusual privacy, and the vibrator is the first thing that comes to mind.

What he doesn’t bank on is Seunghyun coming home early.

Jiyong’s lying on top of the covers in the bedroom they share with Youngbae.  He has his shirt rucked up under his armpits, the bottom half of him completely bare.  Seunghyun walks in when Jiyong’s right in the middle of it, thighs splayed apart, head tossed back as he pumps his new toy inside himself.

Seunghyun freezes when he sees him, eyes going wide.  Jiyong yelps and snaps his thighs back together.  He scrambles to cover himself with his blanket while the vibrator buzzes obscenely in the room.

“Shut the door!” Jiyong hisses.

Seunghyun’s dumbfounded eyes stay on him as he pushes the door shut.

Jiyong huffs in exasperation.  “I meant with you on the other side of it!”

“Oh, right.”  Seunghyun looks around awkwardly and shuffles back out of the room.

Jiyong finally pulls the damn thing out of him and gets it turned off.  He throws himself back against the mattress as his face burns in mortification.  He can’t believe Seunghyun just walked in on him.  Doing  _that_.  The entire world’s against him.

The next time he sees Seunghyun, his face flushes in embarrassment.  Seunghyun blushes, too.  His ears even turn red.

Seunghyun opens his mouth to say something, but Jiyong immediately cuts him off.  “Don’t say it.  It never happened.”

Seunghyun throws placating hands up and keeps his mouth shut.

 

 

Hyunsuk finally tells them he’s putting together an idol group.  Jiyong’s furious when he first finds out.  And humiliated.  How is he ever going to be taken seriously if Hyunsuk sticks him in a boy band?

There’s only one upside to the whole thing, he thinks.  He and Seunghyun will be in the same group.  They’ll debut  _together_.  He and Youngbae sit together and grumble about their misfortune, but in the back of his mind, the idea is slowly winning him over.

Jiyong goes out with Seunghyun and a few of his old friends soon after that, and he sits around a table with them while Seunghyun tells them about YG’s plans for them.  Jiyong hunkers down in his seat, embarrassed when they start to tease Seunghyun.  They crack jokes about him becoming just like the other idols, wearing matching outfits and performing like robots, and Jiyong feels so fucking embarrassed because he’s the one who got Seunghyun into this.  He’s the one who sought Seunghyun out and promised him the world, and now they’re left with  _this_.

It’s something Jiyong’s always told himself, that he can give Seunghyun something no one else can, something no  _girl_  can.  Jiyong can give him his  _dream_.  But now it feels like that’s been taken away, and Jiyong no longer knows what good he is to him.

But Seunghyun just lounges back in his seat like he hasn’t a care in the world.  He throws one arm around the back of Jiyong’s chair and smirks.  “It’s gonna be  _different_.  Just wait and see.  Right, Jiyong?”

“Right,” Jiyong says.  Right, he hopes.

“We’ll see how much they have to say when we’re both famous.”

Seunghyun’s friends snicker and rattle off something about polyester pants, but Jiyong ignores it.  He no longer cares what they have to say.  Because Seunghyun said ‘we’.  Seunghyun thinks they’re in this thing  _together_.

Jiyong stops groaning about Hyunsuk’s decision and throws himself into training harder than he ever has.

 

 

They’ve been filming a documentary about which trainees are going to make it into YG’s new group, and their most recent test is learning the choreography to Dongwook-hyung’s song to see who gets to perform with him on stage at his next show.  Anyone who doesn’t make it up on that stage is likely to get cut from this whole thing.

And Seunghyun’s the one in the most danger of that.  He excels at everything but this.  No matter how hard he tries, dancing is the one thing he just doesn’t get.

But he is  _trying_.  Jiyong sees how hard he’s trying.  But he also sees how hard Jaewook rides him.  Jaewook gets frustrated with him and snaps at him.  He berates him when he keeps messing up the same moves.  Jiyong watches it all from a few steps over, watches how Seunghyun folds in on himself and shuts down.  It makes him mess up even  _more_.  Seunghyun never does well when people are harsh with him.

So now Jiyong’s sitting up on the roof with him, sneaking a cigarette.  Seunghyun looks as if the world might end.

“I’m not gonna make it.”  Seunghyun presses his knees together and looks solemnly down at his lap.  “I’ll never get that dance in time.”

Jiyong’s heart aches for him.  He doesn’t want to do this if Seunghyun’s not there.  “Yes, you will.”  He stubs out his cigarette and stands up, filled with a renewed sense of determination.  “I’m gonna help you.”

Jiyong practices with him for hours.  He practices with him all throughout the night.  And every time Seunghyun starts to get tired or frustrated with himself, Jiyong makes silly faces and tickles him until he’s smiling again.  Seunghyun snickers and swats at Jiyong’s cheek and starts the routine from the beginning.

On the day of the show, Seunghyun’s dancing with them on stage.

 

 

After they debut, everything happens really fast.  There are interviews and photoshoots and performances, and people start recognizing Jiyong more and more.  It makes it harder to meet people, and it especially makes it harder to date.  He has to be more careful than ever not to get found out.

One day, he’s kicked back on Seunghyun’s bed with him, staring up at the ceiling and bitching about it.

“How am I supposed to get a boyfriend like this?  I was at the convenience store the other day, and these two girls followed me all the way into the  _bathroom_.  They tried to watch me take a piss.”

Seunghyun snickers at his plight.  “Why do you need a boyfriend when you’ve got me?  I even pay when we go out.”

“Because a boyfriend would make out with me,” Jiyong huffs.  “You’re good for everything but that.”

Seunghyun rolls over so he’s halfway on top of Jiyong, pinning him down.  “I could be good for that,” he smirks, leaning in toward Jiyong’s lips.  Jiyong’s heart thumps as Seunghyun gets closer, but then Seunghyun bypasses his mouth and blows a raspberry against his cheek. 

Jiyong smacks him, and Seunghyun rolls back over, cackling.

Jiyong shoves at his shoulder when he won’t shut up.  “Like I’d even  _want_ you.”

Seunghyun flicks his ear and laughs.

 

 

It’s been over a year since they’ve debuted, but he and Seunghyun still go out a lot with the others.  They don’t have much free time now, but when they do, they’re out partying with their friends.  Seunghyun gets even crazier when he drinks, any shyness that lives in him going to bed for the night. 

And Jiyong just gets  _stupid_.  He gets giggly and affectionate and somehow always finds himself in Seunghyun’s lap.

That’s where he is now.  He’s sitting sideways over Seunghyun’s thighs, watching as his hyung chugs down his beer.  Jiyong has no idea how many this makes.  Seunghyun slams the bottle down on the table when he’s done and grins like he’s accomplished something amazing. 

Jiyong giggles and claps his hands.  “Oppa’s the best!”

Seunghyun puffs up at the attention and signals for another.

It also somehow always falls on Jiyong to get Seunghyun back to the dorm in one peace.  Seunghyun doesn’t make it easy, though.  He tries to babble at everyone they meet on the street, nonsense about rappers and helpers and whatever other words he can think up that sort of rhyme.  Jiyong wraps his arm around Seunghyun’s waist and tries to hurry him along.

When they finally get back to their dorm building, Jiyong ushers him into the lobby and shoves him into the elevator.  Before the doors have even closed, Seunghyun’s managed to hit the button to every single floor.  Jiyong slumps against the wall and groans.  Seunghyun giggles and tries to push them all again.

“Stop,” Jiyong orders, slapping his hand.  Seunghyun pouts and pulls his hand back.  And then he goes for the buttons again.

“ _Stop_ ,” Jiyong laughs.  He takes hold of Seunghyun’s hands and traps them against his chest.  “No more.”

Seunghyun grins and obeys this time.  They ride the elevator up, stopping at every floor.

Once they finally get to their dorm, Jiyong opens the door, and Seunghyun laughs and stumbles through it.  Jiyong covers Seunghyun’s mouth and shushes him.  It’s really late, and the others are trying to sleep.

Jiyong kicks his shoes off and gets Seunghyun to do the same, and then he slips back under Seunghyun’s arm and starts leading him to their shared room.  Jiyong’s mattress is right by the door, and Youngbae’s is in the middle.  Seunghyun’s, unfortunately, is all the way on the other side of the room.  Jiyong pushes him along until he can finally dump Seunghyun in his bed.  Seunghyun grins and pulls Jiyong down with him.

Jiyong laughs quietly as Seunghyun rolls him up in a bear hug, but then he remembers that Youngbae is sleeping less than a meter away and forces himself to stop.  Seunghyun doesn’t make the same connection, though.  He starts tickling Jiyong and laughing at the way he squirms. 

Jiyong covers his mouth again.  “Be quiet,” he whispers.

Seunghyun’s eyes gleam mischievously over the hand covering his mouth, then he licks Jiyong’s palm.

“Yah!”  Jiyong tears his hand away.  His mouth snaps shut when he realizes how loud that must’ve been.  Seunghyun snickers and starts tickling him again.

Jiyong squirms around in Seunghyun’s arms, trying to get away, but his hyung keeps him pressed tightly against his chest.  Jiyong’s giggling and wiggling around and laughing so hard he has to bury his face against Seunghyun’s throat just to muffle the sound.  He thumps Seunghyun on the back to get him to stop, and his hyung finally has mercy on him.

Jiyong keeps his face against Seunghyun’s neck as his breathing gets back under control.  When he finally pulls back a little, he finds Seunghyun gazing down at him.  Jiyong settles his head against the pillow and gazes right back.

He’s suddenly all too aware of how close they are, pressed together from head to toe.  There’s barely any space between their lips on the pillow.  Jiyong’s heart is fluttering like crazy.  He can feel the thump of Seunghyun’s own heart under his hand.

He’s overwhelmed by the need to press forward, to touch his lips to Seunghyun’s, but even his drunk mind knows that’s not something he’s supposed to do.

His mind races, trying to figure out what’s going on:   _What are we doing?_    _Do you feel what I feel?_

Seunghyun’s head shifts subtly against the pillow.  It brings his mouth just a hairsbreadth away.  When Jiyong exhales, he can feel their lips just barely brush.

They stay like that, parted lips ghosting over parted lips, not a kiss, but so fucking close to becoming one that Jiyong trembles from it.  Seunghyun exhales hot, damp air against Jiyong’s mouth, and Jiyong shivers and breathes it in.

Jiyong’s eyes are still closed, and he  _keeps_  them closed, because they’re in a dream world now, and if he opens them, he might wake up – they  _both_  might wake up – and Jiyong can’t have that; he just can’t have that because he’s waited his whole life for this, and he thinks he’ll crumble in on himself if he gets this close only to be denied.

He finally sucks in a slow breath and steels his resolve, and then he presses forward, carefully, oh so carefully, like Seunghyun’s a baby deer that just might spook, presses forward and gently touches their lips together. 

He goes still then, courage used up.  He waits to see what Seunghyun will do, how he’ll react – they’ve gone too far now to deny that this is anything but what it is.  His heart hammers in his chest while he waits, while Seunghyun lies there just as still as him, the warmth of his chest and the stirring of his breath the only signs he’s alive at all.

And then Seunghyun tilts his head and opens his mouth to him.  Jiyong’s anxiety leaves him in a rush.  He follows Seunghyun’s lead, pushing forward and licking heat into Seunghyun’s mouth.  It’s slow.  And tentative.  Lips brushing against lips.  Slow and tentative until it’s not.  Until Seunghyun makes this deep, satisfied hum in the back of his throat that shoots straight down to Jiyong’s cock.  Jiyong moves in frantically, mouth sliding hotly over Seunghyun’s, desperate to hear that sound again, to nurture the reason Seunghyun made it.  Seunghyun kisses him back just as eagerly.  When Jiyong arches into him, Seunghyun’s hand catches the small of his back and tugs him the rest of the way in.

Jiyong can’t keep still.  He clutches at Seunghyun’s shoulders, his chest, his jaw.  His hands slide up to fist in his hair.  Jiyong writhes against him as their mouths move together, his hips restless in their mission for more contact, more friction.  He’s beyond eager but also  _quiet_ , so very quiet, because Youngbae’s  _right there_.  He kisses Seunghyun with all he’s worth and does his best to keep his moans caged in his throat.

Seunghyun finally slides his leg between Jiyong’s and pushes  _up_ , and Jiyong jerks his mouth away on a gasp.  His eyes flutter open, and he sees that Seunghyun’s have opened, too.  Seunghyun is gazing at him with dark eyes, leg still pressed up between Jiyong’s.  Jiyong looks back and forth between Seunghyun’s eyes, searching – Is this really okay?  Is this really something they’re doing right now? – but he can’t tell what Seunghyun’s thinking, has no clue at all until Seunghyun’s eyes drop down to his mouth.

It’s the reassurance Jiyong needs.  He darts in and seizes Seunghyun’s mouth again.  Seunghyun palms his hip as Jiyong starts to ride his thigh.

They’re so caught up in one another, kissing and grasping, grinding together.  He can feel Seunghyun’s cock, hot and hard and pressing into his belly.  He wants to touch it.  He wants to weigh it in his hand.  He wants to put his mouth there and run his tongue over the entire length of it.

But then a foreign sound cuts through the haze like a well-aimed knife.  Jiyong and Seunghyun both freeze, muscles tense, breaths held.  They look at each other with wide eyes as Youngbae snuffles and shifts on his mattress.

Is he awake?  Did he hear them?  Did he  _see_  them?

Jiyong nervously waits.  He listens hard for any further movement, but the room’s so quiet now they could hear a pin drop.  Jiyong carefully raises his head so he can see Youngbae’s bed.  His friend has kicked his blanket halfway off, but as best as Jiyong can tell, he’s still asleep.

He shakes his head to let Seunghyun know that they’re fine, that they haven’t been caught, and Seunghyun slowly relaxes.  His thigh is still lodged between Jiyong’s, but the moment’s broken.  Seunghyun starts to extricate himself, and Jiyong tries not to let his disappointment show.

“I guess we should probably get some sleep, too,” Seunghyun murmurs. 

Jiyong wants to protest, but he can’t think of a reason why he should.  “Yeah.  I guess.”

It seems so…anti-climactic.  He and Seunghyun just  _kissed_.  More than kissed.  That was the most intense make out of Jiyong’s  _life_.  But now he’s just supposed to get up and head to his own bed and go to sleep?  That seems impossible.  He’s geared up, mind racing with a thousand questions:  Why did Seunghyun kiss back?  What does it mean?  What happens now?

But they can’t have any of those conversations with Youngbae sleeping one mattress over, and Seunghyun’s already fishing for his stuffed panda so he can settle in for sleep. 

How can Seunghyun just sleep?  How can he possibly be satisfied leaving things as they are now?

Jiyong sits up on the bed and stares down at him, at a loss.  It feels like this whole thing is unfinished, but he doesn’t know how to fix that.  Whatever connection they just sparked has fizzled out.  Jiyong’s left as an interloper in Seunghyun’s bed.

Not knowing what else to do, he crawls out of the bed.  He crosses over to his own and sinks down on it, only it feels empty and cold, and he really wishes he could just go back over and crawl in with Seunghyun again, only Seunghyun’s already cuddled around his panda with his eyes closed, and Jiyong’s confidence is all maxed out.

Jiyong lies down in bed and turns on his side so he can watch Seunghyun fall asleep.  He thinks about the way Seunghyun felt, how he breathed.  The fire in Jiyong’s lower belly crackles warmly as he kindles it with the memory of Seunghyun’s touch.

He lies awake for hours like that, watching him, dreaming of him, imagining kissing him again.  He thinks about what tomorrow might bring, how he should act, how Seunghyun will  _react_.  He dreams of the best and expects the worst.  He plays every scenario he can think of over and over in his head, and the longing he feels is so strong he just might choke on it.

 

 

The reaction he gets is the only one he hadn’t considered, and that’s no reaction at all. 

They both wake up late with barely enough time to shower.  There’s no time for awkwardness or secret smiles or stolen looks.  There’s no time for anything except a brief, “Morning,” as Jiyong slides out of the bathroom and Seunghyun slides in.  They don’t even have time to sit down with the others for breakfast.  They both just shovel in a couple mouthfuls of rice and rush out the door.

It’s not until they’re tucked away in the van that time slows back down for them, but even then, they’re surrounded by the others and their manager, and even if Jiyong did know what he should say right now, he wouldn’t be able to say it.

So he sits quietly on his side of the seat and tries to read Seunghyun’s body language instead, but Seunghyun’s not giving anything away.  He’s sitting there just as quietly, calmly looking out the window. 

Is he avoiding Jiyong?  Is he looking out the window because he doesn’t want to look Jiyong’s way?  Or is he just tired?  Maybe…well, maybe a lot of things.  Jiyong can’t know for sure, and it’s driving him crazy.  He just needs to  _know_.  One way or the other, good or bad, he just needs to know what Seunghyun’s thinking.

He wants desperately to reach out for him, to reforge their connection, if not as lovers than at least as  _friends_ , but things feel so up in the air, like they’re in uncharted waters, and Jiyong feels like one wrong move will send him crashing against the rocks.

He just doesn’t know what to  _do_.  He needs Seunghyun to give him a sign, to provide him with a lead to follow.

The whole day goes by like that, with Jiyong on uneven ground.  He hovers awkwardly around Seunghyun all day, waiting to catch his eye, waiting on some clue as to how last night has changed things.

But it never comes.  Seunghyun’s just…normal.  Maybe a little quieter than usual, but that might just be Jiyong’s imagination.  Seunghyun jokes around with Daesung, and he picks on Seungri, and they all ham it up for the camera in yet another photoshoot, and slowly, Jiyong feels his hopes crumble away.

The day is long and taxing, and by the time they crawl back into the van to head home, Jiyong’s nerves are worn thin.  He doesn’t do well with ambiguity.  He needs  _answers_.  Surety.  He needs something concrete he can wrap his head around.  But Seunghyun’s still an unreadable slate. 

Jiyong finally realizes that Seunghyun’s not going to make a move.  Maybe his hyung’s shy or nervous or uninterested, or maybe he’s just waiting on Jiyong to do it instead; whatever the case, if Jiyong wants his answers, he’s going to have to get them himself.

Without looking at Seunghyun, he slides a few centimeters over so he can rest his head on Seunghyun’s shoulder.  He’s done this a hundred times.  Sometimes Seunghyun smiles down at him; sometimes he rests his own head atop Jiyong’s; sometimes he just sits there, acting as Jiyong’s warm and steady rock. 

But this is the first time Seunghyun tenses.  He tenses up the moment Jiyong’s head lands on his shoulder, and Jiyong feels himself despair.  Seunghyun doesn’t want him there.  Or he feels weird about having him there, now.

Seunghyun doesn’t shrug him off, but he doesn’t welcome him in, either.  He just sits there, staring ahead or out the window, and Jiyong tries not to cry.  He and Seunghyun are pressed together, but they’ve never felt further apart. 

Jiyong keeps his cheek pressed against Seunghyun’s shoulder and tries to pretend nothing’s wrong.

 

 

He tries one last time when they get home that night.  They’ve all changed into more comfortable clothes and had their dinners.  The others settle around the TV to watch one of Seungri’s dramas after that.  It’s a show Jiyong often joins him for, though Seunghyun rarely does.  But this time Seunghyun heads into the living room, too.

Jiyong tentatively approaches him.  He feels small and stupid.  And desperate.  But he’s clinging to the hope that he got it wrong, that he got  _Seunghyun_  wrong.

“Hey, Hyung,” he says, his heart practically held out in his hands.

Seunghyun looks up at him from his seat on the sofa.

“Do you wanna go work on some music?”  It’s the one thing Seunghyun never turns down, the one passion that can always bring them together.  He and Seunghyun disappear into Jiyong’s studio room nearly every night.

Seunghyun looks at him, and Jiyong looks back, eyes filled with aching hope.  Seunghyun keeps looking at him, and Jiyong’s shoulders start to droop.  There’s none of what Jiyong’s feeling mirrored in Seunghyun’s eyes.  No hope, no yearning.  There’s nothing between them at all, nothing but awkward distance.

Seunghyun looks down and away.  “I think I’m just gonna watch TV with them.”

Jiyong swallows.  His chin trembles so he presses his lips tightly together to make it stop.  “Yeah, okay.  Maybe tomorrow.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

Jiyong sniffs and nods his head, then he awkwardly backs away.  He floats into the other room like a wraith and stays there till long after the others fall asleep.

He doesn’t cry.  He’s too devastated to cry.  He sits in his studio room, too hollow to even pen lyrics.  His chest aches so much it hurts to breathe.

He loves Seunghyun.  He  _loves_  him.  He’s felt this way for a while, but tonight is the first night he gives it name.

He loves Seunghyun, and Seunghyun is never gonna love him back.

 

 

Jiyong doesn’t even try to talk to Seunghyun the next day.  His ego’s hurt, as well as his feelings, and the last thing he needs is another rejection. 

He just…he doesn’t  _get_  it.  Why did Seunghyun even kiss him back?  Why did he let things go so far?  Was it just because he’d been drinking?  Jiyong didn’t think he was that drunk.  He just doesn’t understand how the same experience can mean so much to him and so little to someone else.

Maybe Seunghyun was just horny.  Maybe he just wanted to fool around.  Maybe he caught on to how much more invested Jiyong was and ran away.

Whatever the reason, the result is the same.  Jiyong keeps his distance, and Seunghyun doesn’t do anything to stop it.  Jiyong forces a smile on his face and pretends he doesn’t care.  He latches onto Youngbae and Seungri and spends all his time with them instead.

But by nighttime, he’s sick of it.  Sick of the act, sick of keeping his feelings in check.  He has all these frustrations bottled up inside of him and nowhere to let them loose.

He finally calls Soohyuk.  Soohyuk agrees to round up the others and meet him at the club, and Jiyong spends the next ten minutes pouring himself into tight jeans and smoky eyeliner.  He pulls on a leather jacket and heads for the door.

Seunghyun’s sitting in the kitchen.  His eyes look Jiyong over from head to toe as he strides toward the door.  “Where are you going?”

“Out with Soohyuk and the others.” 

Seunghyun presses his lips together at that.  He doesn’t ask if he can come along, though by all rights, he should be invited; he’s just as much part of their group as any of the others.  Jiyong momentarily feels bad for commandeering their friends, but he’s petty enough that the feeling doesn’t last for long.  Seunghyun hurt him.  And now all Jiyong wants is a night out and a few shoulders to cry on, and Seunghyun can get over himself long enough for Jiyong to have that.

“See ya.”  Jiyong makes a brisk exit.  He lets the door slam shut on the way out.

 

 

The club is dark and loud and pumping.  He’s in the midst of a sea of bodies, ebbing and flowing, and Jiyong just wants to let himself drown in it. 

When he’d first met up with the others, they could tell something was wrong, but Jiyong had just given their table a hard look and said, “I don’t want to talk about it,” and they had backed off from asking.  Instead, they’d bought him a drink.  And then another.  And another.

Now Jiyong’s swaying on the dance floor, caught between Soohyuk and Seungho.  He laughs and stumbles, and Soohyuk sniggers and rights him back up.  The earth starts spinning beneath his feet so Jiyong latches onto Soohyuk in a vain attempt to make it stop.

“You’re  _wasted_ ,” Soohyuk laughs, though he’s not much better off.

Jiyong grins.  The alcohol’s swimming through his veins and sloshing about in his head.  He drapes himself against Soohyuk and lets his friend hold him up.  Soohyuk obliges him.  They sway together a couple of times, Soohyuk laughing in his ear, and then Jiyong twists around in his arms and grinds back against him.  Soohyuk laughs again and lets him have at it.  His hand finds its way to Jiyong’s hip and stays there the rest of the night.

Jiyong knows what he’s doing even as he’s doing it.  He feels sad and pathetic and  _unwanted_.  He feels like all the color has bled out of the world, and he just wants something,  _anything_ , to pour a few drops back in.

He has the brief thought that if he’s going to use somebody, it shouldn’t be Soohyuk, because Soohyuk is his friend and he’s already ruined one friendship this week, but he’s too hurt and drunk to care.  He presses in even closer and plays with fire, and when Sungmin takes them all home that night, Jiyong giggles and gets out at Soohyuk’s stop.  Sungmin tilts one brow up at them but doesn’t say anything.  Soohyuk doesn’t say anything, either.  He just lets Jiyong follow him up.

The vodka Jiyong had is still buzzing around in his head, but it’s just a dull hum now, nothing that his brain can’t work around.  When they get inside Soohyuk’s apartment, he shuts the door and reality sets in.  Jiyong’s been flirting with this all night, but now he has to decide whether or not he’s going to see it through.

Soohyuk must see the dilemma on his face.  “Where’s Seunghyun-hyung?” he asks, all too knowingly.

The question takes him off guard.  He’s done a good job of not mentioning Seunghyun the entire night. 

“I don’t know,” he says airily.  “At home, I guess.”

But Soohyuk sees right through him.  He knows how hung up Jiyong is.  Everyone does.  “What happened?”

Jiyong clenches his jaw and looks away.  This isn’t going how he planned.  Soohyuk’s supposed to be bending him over the arm of the couch by now.

“Nothing happened,” Jiyong says.  It might as well be true.  Seunghyun’s probably already scrubbed it from his memory.

“ _Something_  happened.  That much is obvious.  Why won’t you just tell me what?”

 _God_.  Jiyong breaks away in agitation.  “What’s with all the questions?” he snaps.  “Are you gonna fuck me or not?”

Soohyuk’s brows fly up, and Jiyong nearly curses.  This isn’t at all what he came for.  He feels worn out and laid bare and suddenly all too sober.  He curls his arms protectively around himself as frustrated tears fill his eyes.

Soohyuk’s eyes soften.  He reaches out for Jiyong, and Jiyong breaks before Soohyuk can even touch him.  He bursts into tears as Soohyuk pulls him against his chest, and Soohyuk pets his hair and shushes him.

“He doesn’t  _want_  me,” Jiyong cries, and Soohyuk hugs him even tighter.

Jiyong winds up sleeping in Soohyuk’s bed with him that night, but sleep is all they do.  Soohyuk spoons in behind him and holds the fractured pieces of Jiyong together.  Soohyuk is tall, just like Seunghyun, and his voice is just as low, and Jiyong shuts his eyes real tight and pretends it’s Seunghyun holding him, instead.

When Jiyong stumbles into the dorm the next morning, his clothes are askew and his hair is disheveled and he looks absolutely wrecked. 

Seunghyun looks him over with an indecipherable look on his face.  “Where have you been?”

Jiyong tells him the truth.  “I spent the night with Soohyuk.”

Seunghyun blanches.  It’s the first real sign that Jiyong’s gotten to him at all.

 _Good_ , Jiyong thinks.  He feels a sharp sense of satisfaction that he’s able to affect him, even if it’s only a little.  Seunghyun may not want him, but apparently, he doesn’t want anyone else to have him, either.  Well, too bad.  Jiyong’s done trailing after him.  He’s done being so pathetic.

He runs a lazy hand through his hair and strolls to the bedroom.  He lets Seunghyun watch him as he walks away and doesn’t bother telling him how the night before really went.

 

 

Things between them break down even further after that.  Seunghyun’s mostly quiet around the dorm.  He’s mostly quiet, period.  The other members start to notice, but Seunghyun goes through mercurial spells all the time so no one really thinks anything of it. 

Seunghyun starts spending more time with his mom and his sister, which is weird since he and his sister aren’t very close.  On the weekends, he goes out with friends he doesn’t share with Jiyong. 

Seungho says that they still talk on the phone sometimes, him and Seunghyun, but as far as Jiyong knows, Seunghyun hasn’t spoken to Soohyuk at all.

Youngbae’s the one who finally asks Jiyong what’s going on.  While he must know about Jiyong’s feelings for Seunghyun – they’ve been best friends way too long for him not to – he never asks about it.  He’s still not completely okay with that part of who Jiyong is so he tends to ignore it and pretend like it isn’t there.

So when Youngbae questions him, Jiyong dismisses his concern.  “Don’t worry about it.  It’ll blow over.”

 

 

Jiyong finds out why Seunghyun’s been hanging out with his sister.  His sister has a  _friend_.  An actress friend who’s been hanging out with them.

But then Seunghyun stops hanging out with his sister and starts just hanging out with the friend.  Minah is pretty and a couple years older than Seunghyun – that’s the way he seems to like them – and Jiyong feels like he’s going to go crazy each time Seunghyun ducks out of the dorm to go see her.

And then the night comes that Seunghyun doesn’t come home at all.  All the rest of the members have long since retired to their beds, but Jiyong sits up on the couch till well into the night, waiting, hoping he’ll come back.  He draws his knees up to his chest and tries not to imagine what Seunghyun is doing right now.

It doesn’t work, though.  Jiyong knows just what Seunghyun feels like, what he  _tastes_  like.  Is he kissing her just like he kissed Jiyong?  Is he making those same low, needy sounds for her?  Are his hands just as eager?  Jiyong rests his chin atop his knees and lets the images pour through him like acid.

He’s still sitting like that when Youngbae wanders out of their room to check on him.

“I noticed you weren’t in bed,” he says.  He puts his hands on his knees and slowly lowers himself down beside Jiyong.

Jiyong shrugs.  He doesn’t have anything to say to that.

Youngbae drops his hands between his knees and sits with him.  Jiyong’s gaze stays glued to the floor.

Finally, Youngbae sighs.  He looks over at Jiyong, eyes full of sincerity.  “If you wanna talk about him, I’ll listen.”

Jiyong knows how big this is for Youngbae.  He knows how much his friend has struggled to reconcile their friendship with his own personal beliefs.  He rests his head against Youngbae’s shoulder.  “Thanks.”

 

 

Seunghyun watches him sometimes.  Jiyong catches him looking his way with something like pity in his eyes.  It makes Jiyong want to break something.  He decides it’s time to let go of Seunghyun once and for all.

Jiyong does that by fucking his way through the club scene.  Sex is fun, and he doesn’t have anyone tying him down, so he doesn’t see any reason not to.  Most of his partners are models or actors or other idols, just because it’s safer that way.  They have just as much to lose as Jiyong does if news of them gets out.

But one night, Jiyong meets someone who finally makes an impression.  Jiyong’s lounging with his friends on one of the VIP sofas when a server comes over and sets a drink down on the low table in front of him.  “From the gentleman at the bar.”

Jiyong looks over towards the bar and catches the eye of a man who looks a handful of years older than him.  The man raises his scotch glass up at him in acknowledgement. 

Jiyong picks up the flute by the stem and takes a sip.  White wine.  He doesn’t know what kind, though.  Chardonnay?  Seunghyun would know. 

He looks back over at the man in interest.  He’s not used to people being quite so bold with him before they’ve ever even met him.  Jiyong waits to see what the man will do next.  But he doesn’t do anything.  He stays on his stool at the bar, sipping something dark and amber-looking.  A little smirk curls at his lips anytime he catches Jiyong glance his way.

Finally, Jiyong gets up and heads over.  He sidles up to him and props himself up against the bar.  The man smiles at him like he was expecting him.

“Thanks for the drink,” Jiyong says.

“You’re welcome.”  He smiles the smile of a man who’s used to getting his way.  It’s slow and confident and filled with the subtle aura of power.  And  _money_ , now that Jiyong takes a closer look.  His shirt looks starched and tailored, and his cologne smells expensive.  Jiyong recognizes the watch he’s wearing from the Rolex website he was browsing last week.

Jiyong wonders what he did to get this man’s attention.

“Would you like another drink?” the man asks.

Jiyong bites down on his lip and smiles.  He shrugs one shoulder coyly.  “I’m still trying to figure out why you got me the first one.”

The man smiles around his glass.  “I think you’re beautiful,” he says.  “And I’d like to take you home with me.”

Jiyong’s jaw drops.  He laughs to cover his surprise.  “Well, you don’t waste any time.  I don’t even know your name.”

The man grins and shrugs, completely at ease in his own skin.  He’s handsome, Jiyong supposes.  Not handsome in the way Seunghyun is, not the kind of handsome that draws people’s eyes wherever he goes.  He’s the kind of handsome that’s born from confidence.  Jiyong feels himself taken in by it.

“Have a drink with me, and maybe I’ll tell you my name.”

Jiyong circles the tip of his finger along the surface of the bar.  He blurts out his next words before he can talk himself out of it.  “Why don’t we have that drink at your place?”

The man smiles at him, slow and warm and sure.  He signals the bartender over so he can pay his tab.

The man – Jiyong still doesn’t know his name – lives in a high, spacious apartment that looks over the rest of Seoul.  The décor is tasteful and luxurious, undoubtedly put together by a professional.  Jiyong stands by himself in the middle of the main room while the man pours him that promised drink.

“How old are you?” Jiyong asks.  He’s been trying to pin it down.  His best guess is that he’s six or seven years older than him.

The man grins as he carries over their drinks.  “Obviously, older than you.”  He drops the formalities from his speech. 

Jiyong takes a drink and hums in acknowledgement.

“But feel free to lower your words.  The things we’re about to do are hardly polite.”

For the second time that night, Jiyong’s lips part in surprise.  Liquid heat settles low in his belly.

The man takes the glass out of Jiyong’s hand and sets both their drinks down on the coffee table.  Then, he cups Jiyong’s face and deliberately slides their mouths together.  Jiyong sighs and gives himself over.

On this night, Jiyong learns what good sex really is.  The man tunes Jiyong’s strings and strums him like a violin, sweet sounds pouring out of him at every touch.  He pins Jiyong’s wrists down to the mattress and fucks him in a way Jiyong never knew he needed to be fucked.

When Jiyong wakes up in the morning, the man is sitting up against the pillows beside him, looking at something on his phone.  Jiyong stretches out along the mattress and then tugs the sheet up over his chest, shy at waking up in a stranger’s bed.

The man’s lips twitch in amusement at Jiyong’s shyness.  “I hope you’re hungry.  I ordered us breakfast.”

When breakfast arrives, Jiyong wraps himself in the silk robe the man offers him, and they eat together around the sturdy oak table in the dining room.  Jiyong tells him about producing music and trying to learn Japanese for their upcoming promotions.  He laughs and admits it’s not going very well.  The man smiles at him like he’s smitten and drinks in every word Jiyong has to tell him.

By the time Jiyong gets back to the dorm, there’s already a delivery of flowers waiting for him.  The card reads:   _My name is Dongjun._

 

 

They start dating.  Dongjun isn’t the kind of guy Jiyong ever thought he’d wind up with, but then, Jiyong can’t have the guy he actually wants to be with, so he figures he might as well give this a shot. 

Dongjun showers Jiyong with attention and affection.  He takes Jiyong out to restaurants with private tables and lavishes him with expensive gifts.  He makes Jiyong feel pampered and special.  And he teaches Jiyong things about his body that he didn’t already know.

Jiyong learns he likes to be manhandled.  He likes to be bent over and forced into position.  He likes firm hands at his hips and the wet heat of a tongue pressed between his cheeks.  He likes the crippling sensitivity he feels at a cock shoving inside him just after he comes.

But most of all, Jiyong likes that there’s no guesswork.  Dongjun  _likes_  him.  He shows him he likes him and never shies away from it.  It’s not love – it’ll never  _be_  love – but right now, it’s just what Jiyong needs.

 

 

Danny and Seungho tease him about it a lot.  They call Dongjun his sugar daddy.  Jiyong laughs and shakes his head and lets them have their fun.

Seunghyun comments on it only once.

Things still aren’t back to normal between them.  Jiyong acts like everything’s okay when the others are around, but he never seeks out Seunghyun’s company anymore.

One day, he’s sitting up on the roof having a cigarette when the door opens and Seunghyun appears.  Seunghyun shuffles around a bit; Jiyong can tell he hadn’t expected to find anyone else up here.  Seunghyun nearly backs his way back through the door, but then Jiyong sighs.  Enough is enough.  They’re going to be tethered together for the rest of their careers; they have to smooth this out sometime.

“Just sit,” Jiyong orders.  He takes a drag off his cigarette and pretends like it makes no difference whether Seunghyun obeys or not.

Seunghyun pauses awkwardly by the door, and then he lowers himself into the space beside Jiyong.  He lights up a cigarette of his own.

It’s familiar.  The cadence of it.  Seunghyun breathing in, smoke exhaling out.  Jiyong tries to steel himself against the effect it has on him, but his and Seunghyun’s friendship is knitted together with the memories of shared cigarettes.

“How’s Minah?” Jiyong asks, voice flat.  He needs a reminder of just why it’s a bad idea to let himself fall back into Seunghyun.

But Seunghyun doesn’t answer.  He sits beside Jiyong quietly for some time before making a comment of his own.  “I hear you have a new boyfriend.”

Jiyong smiles, sharp enough to cut.  “Yeah.  He’s pretty great.  He just took me to see a play.”

Seunghyun nods.  “That’s…that’s good.”  It doesn’t sound like Seunghyun thinks that’s very good, but Jiyong really can’t bring himself to care.  “Seungho said he’s older than you.”

“So’s your girlfriend,” Jiyong bites back. 

Seunghyun’s gaze falls to his lap.  He has nothing to say to that.  Jiyong doesn’t know why he brought it up in the first place.  Seunghyun’s never had a problem with age gaps. 

Seunghyun sits there so long that his cigarette burns up without him even smoking it.  A long line of ash breaks off without him noticing.

When he finally does speak, his voice is low and taut.  “If he hurts you, you tell me.”

Jiyong snorts.  “Why?  What are you gonna do?”

Seunghyun turns toward him with an expression full of intent.  “I’ll break his arm off.”

Jiyong laughs.  He takes another drag from his cigarette, lips curling around it in amusement.  “I’m not sure you can.  He’s pretty strong.”

“I can,” Seunghyun says.  “If he hurts you, I can.”

Jiyong chuckles at the seriousness in Seunghyun’s voice.  He chuckles even though he doesn’t find anything remotely funny about it.  Where was this concern before?  Where was this protectiveness when Jiyong needed protecting?

“I didn’t know you cared,” Jiyong says.  He tries to keep his expression careless, but the old hurt he feels seeps into his voice.  Jiyong stares determinedly ahead and hopes Seunghyun doesn’t call him out on it.

Seunghyun wilts at Jiyong’s words.  He looks back down at his lap, chastised.

Honestly, Jiyong needs to find a way for them to move past this.  Their edges have been sharpened and serrated, and now, no matter how they move around each other, they cut.  They can’t keep this up.  But even though Jiyong  _knows_  that, he can’t quite let go of his hurt.

Seunghyun breathes in beside him.  His eyes stay fixed on his lap.  Carefully, he asks, “Does he make you happy?”

Tears prickle at the backs of Jiyong’s eyes.  He looks up and frantically blinks them away.  “Yeah,” he says.  “He makes me happy.”

 _But not as happy as you did_ , Jiyong thinks.

He keeps that part to himself.

 

 

 


	3. Burn

 

 

Seunghyun and Minah break up.  Jiyong waits for him to break out the sad love songs and start moping around the dorm, but he never does.  Honestly, he doesn’t even seem that broken up about it.  He just shrugs when the other members ask him about it and says it didn’t work out.

So…Seunghyun’s single again.  The thought keeps festering in his mind like a splinter under his skin.  He tries to pluck it out, but it’s lodged in too deep.

It’s stupid and ridiculous.  Just because Seunghyun’s single, doesn’t mean he’s an option.  He was single before, and it didn’t do Jiyong any good.  The only thing that’s different between then and now is that Jiyong’s _not_ single.  He has a boyfriend who dotes on him, and he’d be a fool to fuck that up.

So he spends all his spare time away from Seunghyun, far away where he won’t be tempted to do something stupid.

Soon after, they’re rehearsing the choreography for an upcoming performance.  Seunghyun’s supposed to go left to hit his mark, but he goes right instead and totally crashes into Jiyong.  Jiyong laughs as Seunghyun whirls about and tries to figure out where he went wrong. 

Seunghyun’s so hopeless.

Jiyong giggles and shoves at his shoulder, an old habit shining back through now that the worst of the storm is over.  He immediately feels weird about it – it’s been ages since he’s touched Seunghyun – but Seunghyun grins down at him and smacks him lightly against the cheek.  Jiyong laughs as all his built up armor falls away.

It’s like that’s the sign Seunghyun’s been waiting for.  He starts cracking jokes to make Jiyong laugh, dancing like a lunatic to make him smile.  He serenades Jiyong with a horrible off-key rendition of “Wedding Dress,” and Jiyong giggles and throws his hand over Seunghyun’s mouth to make him stop.

Jiyong watches him the rest of the day.  He thinks about all the pretty dreams he had for them, and then he tucks them all away.  Because those dreams are never going to happen.  He can’t have any of those things.

But he can at least have his friend back.

 

 

Bigbang is set to spend the summer promoting in Japan.  Jiyong kisses Dongjun goodbye and promises to call him whenever he can.

Hyunsuk rents out three suites for them.  Youngbae and Daesung take one while Jiyong and Seungri take another.  Seunghyun gets one all to himself.  They store all the food in Seunghyun’s refrigerator and take all their meals in his room unless they’re eating out.

On the third night they’re there, they have a simple dinner and then gather around the living room to watch TV.  Seungri flips through the channels fast enough to give Jiyong a headache before Jiyong tears the remote away from him and finds something himself.

Half an hour in, Seunghyun lights up a cigarette, and Youngbae wrinkles his nose and heads back downstairs.  Daesung and Seungri filter out after him.

Jiyong nearly gets up too, but then Seunghyun offers out his pack, and Jiyong figures, what the hell, one cigarette won’t hurt.  Jiyong takes one, and Seunghyun holds up the lighter for him, just like he used to.  Jiyong pauses before he leans in.  The end of his cigarette lights up, and he slumps back into his seat.

Jiyong used to relish times like this, sitting together, just the two of them, watching the cigarette paper crinkle up as it burned.  It was warm and companionable and _theirs_.

But not anymore.  Now it’s sharp and jagged, like they’re sitting on a floor covered in shards of glass, no room to move without getting cut.  Jiyong just can’t relax.  They’ve been doing a good job of pretending like everything’s the same as it used to be, but now that they’re alone, the distance between them is acutely felt.

Seunghyun puffs on his cigarette and blows out a curling trail of smoke.  He flexes his hand in the space between them.  “I miss you.”

Jiyong closes his eyes and goes very still.  His hand itches to reach over and cover Seunghyun’s.  “I miss you, too.” 

 

 

When they don’t have a schedule, there’s not much else to do but splash around in the private pool.  No one ever invites Seunghyun because it’s just sort of assumed that he won’t come.  Jiyong’s never even seen Seunghyun without a shirt on; there’s no way he’s going to strip down enough to play in the pool with them.

Except one day, he _does_.  Jiyong and Youngbae are playing a game of water volleyball against Daesung and Seungri, except all they’re really doing is trying to see how many times they can peg Seungri in the head with their beach ball.  It doesn’t take long before Daesung turns traitor and joins in.

Jiyong’s just about to peg Seungri in the side of the head when he hears surprised shouts.  “ _Woah!_ ”

He whips his head around to see what has the others so stunned and sees Seunghyun barreling towards them in one of the hotel’s speedos, grinning like a five-year-old. 

Seunghyun comes to a stop at the water’s edge and tries to cover himself up.  “Stop staring at me, you perverts.  I got lonely.”

But Jiyong can’t tear his eyes away.  Seunghyun is tall with broad shoulders and sleek muscles and skin that’s far more bronze than he would’ve expected of someone who never exposes himself to the sun.  And the speedo doesn’t hide anything.  It’s slung low over the jut of his hipbones, gently cupping his bulge.  Jiyong’s overcome with the sharp need to reach out and touch him.

When everyone won’t stop staring at him, Seunghyun lets out a loud, whooping battle cry and cannonballs into the pool.

They all laugh and play together.  Seunghyun takes a personal liking to their game of chucking the beach ball at Seungri’s head.  Eventually, they wear themselves out, and the other three slip out of the pool to get some weight training in before dinner.

Seunghyun and Jiyong are left in the pool by themselves, treading water lazily near the edge. 

“I can’t believe I’ve seen your nipples,” Jiyong tells him.

Seunghyun chuckles.  “Shut up.”

“I’m _serious_.  I was so shocked.  I’m _still_ shocked.  It’s like watching porn or something.  I feel like I’ve just seen something I’m not supposed to see.”  Seunghyun lets out an embarrassed little laugh and smacks a stream of water at Jiyong’s face.  Jiyong laughs and wipes the droplets from his eyes.  “I _mean_ it.  It was like a naked woman was running at us.”

Seunghyun sniggers and splashes Jiyong again.  “Like you have room to talk.  I’ve seen your legs.  You should see if 2ne1 needs another member.”

Jiyong splashes him back for that, but on the inside, he feels smug.  Seunghyun’s noticed his legs.  Jiyong splashes him again and then jumps at him, hands landing on his shoulders and dunking him under.  Jiyong grins as Seunghyun comes up sputtering, but then Seunghyun’s eyes narrow, and Jiyong scurries to get away when his hyung lunges for him.

Jiyong laughs wildly as Seunghyun roars and tries to chase him down.  Jiyong’s the better swimmer, but Seunghyun has longer limbs, and it’s only a matter of time before Seunghyun gets him cornered.  Jiyong giggles as Seunghyun traps him up against the wall of the pool. 

Seunghyun looms over him, the water swishing about their shoulders.  Seunghyun’s standing comfortably on his feet while Jiyong’s treading water to stay afloat.

Seunghyun grins down at him.  “Can’t you touch?”

Jiyong shakes his head.  He tries to stand on his toes, but the water comes up over his nose. 

Seunghyun chuckles at him.  “Here, hang on to me.”  His hand cups the small of Jiyong’s back as he guides him in, and Jiyong latches onto Seunghyun’s shoulders to keep himself up.  Their bodies press gently together. 

Jiyong shivers a little in the water.  He doesn’t remember it feeling so cool.  There are goosebumps breaking out over his skin.

“Cold?” Seunghyun murmurs, but Jiyong shakes his head.  The water may feel cold, but Jiyong’s on fire.  All he can hear is the beat of his heart.  All he can focus on are the droplets of water clinging to Seunghyun’s eyelashes.

Jiyong slides against Seunghyun, weightless in the water, and Seunghyun pulls him even closer to anchor him in.  Jiyong doesn’t mention how he could’ve just hung on to the pool’s edge.

He feels the moment the atmosphere changes.  Seunghyun’s pelvis shifts subtly against his own, and Jiyong finds himself gently backed into the pool’s wall.  The smooth cement is cold against his back so he arches forward, seeking out Seunghyun’s heat, instead.  His eyes dart around the room, but they’re still the only two people there.

Jiyong’s overcome by the memory of the last time they found themselves like this, rutting around in Seunghyun’s bed.  He remembers the slick heat of Seunghyun’s mouth and the press of Seunghyun’s thigh between his legs.

Seunghyun sways forward, and the warning bells finally go off in Jiyong’s head.

“I have a boyfriend,” Jiyong whispers.  It’s more of a reminder for himself than anything.  Jiyong feels bad that he _needs_ a reminder.

Seunghyun abruptly stops his press forward.  “Lucky guy.”

Jiyong shivers at the dark look in Seunghyun’s eyes, shivers at the way his rumbling voice seems to vibrate in the space between them. 

Jiyong wets his lips.

But then Seunghyun gives him a mischievous look.  His grip tightens around him, and he suddenly lunges back.  Lunges back and hauls Jiyong with him, back and down and under.  Jiyong shrieks right before the water closes in over their heads.

When they break back over the surface, Seunghyun’s grinning, all the tension dispersed in the water.  Jiyong grins back, like it’s a game, like the whole time they were just playing.  He grins and wonders if he just imagined the whole thing.

Jiyong splashes Seunghyun one last time before pulling himself out of the pool.

He half-expects Seunghyun to avoid him, just like he did the last time they got too close, but he doesn’t.  When it’s time for dinner, he slides into the seat right next to Jiyong and spends the whole meal flicking Jiyong’s ear with the back end of his chopsticks.

 

 

When they get back from Japan, Jiyong has to settle in and really focus on finishing his album.  He spends night and day in the studio, barely leaving to sleep.  He worries that it’ll put a strain on his relationship, but it really doesn’t.  Dongjun understands plenty about work and responsibility and dedication.

The few nights Jiyong’s able to break away, he heads over to Dongjun’s and lets him draw them a bath.  He crawls into the tub in front of Dongjun and relaxes back against his chest.

“I miss you,” Dongjun murmurs.  He runs idle hands up and down the ladder of Jiyong’s ribs.

 _I miss you_ , Jiyong remembers Seunghyun saying.

Jiyong blinks the image away.  “Me too.”

Dongjun takes him to bed after that.  It’s good.  Of course, it’s good.  With Dongjun, it’s always good.  But it’s not enough.  Jiyong doesn’t know if he’s tired or distracted or what, but he can’t focus, can’t give himself over.  He sinks down onto his elbows and tries to concentrate on how good it feels.

 _I miss you_ , he thinks again.  Precious words in Seunghyun’s voice.  _I miss you_. 

He thinks about Seunghyun in the pool, the slightest brush of skin lighting Jiyong on fire.  Thinks about that night in Seunghyun’s bed, the taste of his kiss a sacred memory he keeps secreted away.

He thinks about Seunghyun holding him down and filling him up, and he jerks back against Dongjun and comes.

Jiyong feels bad about it afterwards.  For thinking of someone else when he’s with his boyfriend.  He feels bad, but probably not as bad as he should.

 

 

Jiyong hasn’t seen Seunghyun in nearly a month.  But one day, he just…shows up.

Jiyong’s sitting in the studio with Teddy and Youngbae when Seunghyun knocks on the door and slides into the room.

Jiyong can’t believe how happy he is to see Seunghyun.  He’s been tired and stressed and weighed down by bricks, but suddenly, he feels light again.  Seunghyun bumps Teddy’s fist before plopping down on the sofa.  He grins at Jiyong, and Jiyong’s heart flips.

“What are you doing here?” Jiyong asks.

Seunghyun shrugs, cheeks dimpling.  “I wanted to hear your album.”

Jiyong immediately grows shy.  More than anyone, more than the whole world, Seunghyun’s opinion _matters_.  Jiyong wants to impress him.  He feels the bizarre need to make him proud.

Teddy turns on the first track, “A Boy,” and Jiyong sits there nervously as Seunghyun listens.  Seunghyun bobs his head to the beat, really focusing in on what he’s hearing, and Jiyong chews on his fingernail and tries not to fret.

When the song fades out, Seunghyun raises his head up and smiles.  “I really like it,” he says, and then he tells Jiyong all the reasons why.  He talks about the lyrics and the emotion, the way his voice sounds on the chorus.  He tells Jiyong thoughtful words that wouldn’t mean half as much coming from anybody else.

Friends, Jiyong thinks.  They’re _friends_.

And if he still feels that ache for more, well, he’ll learn to get over it.

 

 

Everyone throws a huge party for his birthday.  His stylists come and other members of the staff, the girls from 2ne1 and a ton of his friends.  But he can’t invite Dongjun since it’s being filmed.  That’s okay, though.  Dongjun tells him to have fun, and they agree to meet up after.

Seunghyun comes. 

He makes quite an entrance.  “Olé!”  He heads straight to Jiyong and presents him with his gift.  Jiyong laughs and smiles, and Seunghyun pouts when one of the stylists comes over and refuses to let Jiyong open it, yet.

“Gifts come later,” she insists, taking it from Jiyong’s hands and placing it with the rest of the presents.

As his party starts to wind down, Jiyong migrates over to his core group of friends.  Seunghyun and Seungho are teasing Kyungil about something, but Jiyong’s too far away still to make out what.

When he reaches the table, Seungho looks up at him.  “Where are we going after this?  There’s not even enough alcohol here for Seunghyun, much less the rest of us.”

The table immediately breaks into suggestions about where they should go, what they should do.  Jiyong watches as Seunghyun smiles and casts his vote.  Seunghyun wants to go.  He wants to hang out with them.  It’s been ages since Seunghyun’s come along, not since things got so weird between them, not since before Japan.

Jiyong thinks about how he’s supposed to meet up with Dongjun.  How Dongjun probably has a romantic night planned for them with candlelight and chilled champagne.  He thinks about how he could spend the whole night writhing on silk sheets.

And then he think about how he could spend it watching Seunghyun make an ass out of himself, instead.

Jiyong calls Dongjun up.  “Hey, I’m really sorry, but I’m not gonna be able to make it.  My friends planned something for me, and I didn’t know about it.”

Dongjun tries to entice him into changing his mind, but Jiyong’s eyes catch on Seunghyun’s smile, and nothing in the world could tear him away.

 

 

He and Dongjun are reaching the end of the line.  He can feel them speeding towards it even as he tries to hit the brakes.  Dongjun is steady and good to him, but when Jiyong tries to picture the kind of future they might have together, the screen fades to black.

They just don’t have that kind of relationship.  They have a nice time together, and they have good sex, but there’s not much more to them than that.  They don’t talk about their dreams or their passions.  They don’t talk about the things that make them sad or the things that make them feel insecure.  Really, they don’t know each other at all.

They’re just…functional.

But Jiyong wants more than functional.  He’s grateful for the way Dongjun put his heart back together, but he wants more than that, now.  He wants to fall in love again, only this time with someone who falls back.  He wants to feel the things he’s always writing songs about.

He wants to find someone who can make him forget all about Seunghyun.

 

 

He and Dongjun break up.  Jiyong goes out with Seungho and Danny soon after.  They toast to Jiyong’s reclaimed bachelorhood, and Jiyong upends his drink.

He takes some model home with him that night.  He’s a couple years younger than Jiyong and eager to please, and Jiyong has fun, putting all the things Dongjun taught him to use.

The guy is still there the next morning when Jiyong gets a knock on the door.  He blearily pulls on his discarded jeans and heads to see who it is.  He’s not sure who could be here this early.

It’s Seunghyun.

Seunghyun doesn’t even drive, but he’s here.

Jiyong opens the door all the way and looks down at what he’s holding.  There’s a Bearbrick in his arms.  Jiyong recognizes it as one of Seunghyun’s favorites.  He was with him in Japan when he bought it.

“I heard you and Dongjun broke up.  I thought you might be sad.”  He holds the Bearbrick out to Jiyong.  There’s a shy little smile on his face.  “Here.  These always make me feel better.”

Jiyong gingerly takes it from Seunghyun’s hands.  “Thanks.”

But then the smile bleeds from Seunghyun’s face.  He’s looking somewhere over Jiyong’s shoulder so Jiyong looks back to see what’s gotten his attention.

The model from last night is standing there in nothing but his underwear.  He awkwardly bows and shuffles back into Jiyong’s bedroom.

“Oh.”  Seunghyun’s voice goes flat.  “I didn’t realize you were busy.”  He shuffles a bit in the open doorway.  “I guess I’ll just…leave you to it.”

“Hyung.”

The corners of Seunghyun’s mouth tilt up in a sad facsimile of a smile, and he backs away.

“ _Hyung_ ,” Jiyong says again, but Seunghyun’s already rounding the corner.

Jiyong rests his head against the side of the doorframe and holds the Bearbrick close to his chest.

 

 

They don’t talk about what happened.  Not the model or the Bearbrick.  They don’t talk about anything.

But that doesn’t mean Jiyong doesn’t think about it.  He thinks about it all the time.  He thinks about why Seunghyun showed up and why he hurried away.

He tries to broach the subject just once.  Because seeing Seunghyun that morning stirred the embers of his hope, and he just has to know if there’s anything to it.

“Thanks,” Jiyong tells him.  “For the Bearbrick.”

They’re both in sweatpants and long-sleeved t-shirts, stretching out their hamstrings down in the practice room.  The others are doing the same thing while they laugh and joke around with the dancers.

“No problem,” Seunghyun says.  He just keeps stretching.

Jiyong licks his lips.  “About what you saw…”

“It’s none of my business,” Seunghyun cuts him off, voice clipped.  He doesn’t look Jiyong’s way.

Why does Jiyong feels so _bad?_   He didn’t do anything _wrong_.  Seunghyun didn’t want him.  He had his chance, and he treated it like it meant nothing.  Why is he acting like this _now?_

Jiyong doesn’t get the chance to ask any more questions.  They’re called over to start practice.

Seunghyun spends the day acting like nothing’s bothering him.  He bullies Seungri and hangs all over Daesung, and annoyed, Jiyong follows his lead.  He throws his arm around Youngbae’s shoulder and stays glued to his side for the rest of practice.

 

 

They both get really busy after that.  They have CFs and photoshoots, and Bigbang is working on a couple new singles.  And Seunghyun has his movie.  It’s his first major film, and most all of his time is eaten up by it.  Jiyong barely even sees him for work.

Jiyong gets so weary of the whole damn thing.  Everything with Seunghyun is so hard and fraught.  Even when they act like friends, there’s an undercurrent there, a latent river Jiyong’s careful not to fall into.  He goes out and parties and dates a couple more guys, and Seunghyun never says a word about it.

Jiyong just wishes they could go back to how things used to be.  He wishes they could be those two boys who wrote stupid raps together and shared each other’s cigarettes.  He wishes he never fucked it up by wanting more than he’s supposed to have.

 

 

It’s been two years since Bigbang’s last album, and Hyunsuk’s starting to get antsy.  He has Jiyong in the studio every day trying to work up some magic. 

Youngbae hangs around a lot.  This is his life.  He doesn’t have any aspirations beyond music.  Only Youngbae’s no help.  He’s a great performer but not much of a writer so Jiyong toils in the studio by himself.  Teddy and some of the other producers give him samples of beats to work with, but Jiyong’s still tearing his hair out, trying to figure out what he’s going to do with them.

And then Seunghyun shows up.

He’s finishing up his promotions for his movie, and that’s left a gap in his schedule that he’s been using to work on some solo stuff.  He still hasn’t finished the solo album he’s been working on the last year.

Seunghyun steps into the studio room Jiyong’s claimed as his own and sinks down into the seat beside him.  “How’s it coming?”

Jiyong looks down at the useless scribbles in his notebook.  “Okay, I guess.”

Seunghyun’s lips twitch.  “You’ve got nothing.”

Jiyong laughs.  “Nope.  Not a thing.”

Seunghyun’s smile grows kind and warm, warmer than Jiyong’s seen it in months.  “What have you been working on?”

Jiyong plays him a few of the samples, and Seunghyun pulls out a bag of chips and munches on them while he bobs his head.  He closes his eyes and freestyles some nonsense, softly hums a vague idea for a melody.

A slow smile creeps over Jiyong’s face as he watches him.  This is it.  This is it right here.  This is the boy Jiyong fell in love with.  This is the boy Jiyong’s been in love with most all of his life.

When Seunghyun opens his eyes again, Jiyong looks down, suddenly shy at where his thoughts have taken him.

Before the end of the day, they write three songs.

 

 

Seunghyun starts coming out with them again.  They go out to clubs and make Hongdae their playground.  Sungmin challenges Seunghyun to a drinking contest one night, and they all watch as Seunghyun snickers and drinks the guy under the table.  Sungmin plants his face against the tabletop and groans.  He curses Seunghyun as Soohyuk rubs his back.  Seunghyun and Soohyuk seem to be fine, now.

And speaking of under the table, Seunghyun disappears there.  He has a bright, boyish look on his face as he slides out of his seat.  Jiyong cranes his neck over to get a better look at Seunghyun in his hiding spot.

Seunghyun blinks up at him and grins.  He presses his finger to his lips.  “Shhh.”

Jiyong giggles and slides down under the table with him.  “Who are we hiding from?” he whispers.

The sight of Seunghyun’s dimples makes Jiyong feel weak.

“ _Everyone_.”

 

 

He and Seunghyun have their own album, now.  They were supposed to be coming up with Bigbang’s new album, but somehow that ended up with them writing one of their own.  Jiyong’s not complaining, though.  It’s been one of the best experiences of his life.  It feels like the culmination of something, like the dreams of two neighborhood boys being fully realized.

Youngbae’s a little snotty about it.  He’s clearly jealous, but Jiyong’s just so happy he can’t bring himself to care.  It’s not like he and Youngbae have never featured with each other before.

Jiyong and Seunghyun sit down with Hyunsuk and a couple others from the business side of things.  They talk scheduling and concept and sketch out some possible logos.  They decide on Seunghyun dying his hair white.

Seunghyun has it done just before the filming of their “High High” MV.  The first time Jiyong sees it makes his breath hitch.

“Wow,” he breathes.  His hands reach up so he can touch it.  It hasn’t been styled yet, so the tendrils are still silky and soft.  Seunghyun wiggles one eyebrow up and down, and Jiyong laughs and swats his arm.  Somewhere along the way, Seunghyun figured out how good-looking he is.

The party for their MV is crazy.  The club is filled with pulsing music and beautiful women.  A member of the crew nudges Seunghyun’s arm.  “Maybe you’ll find yourself a pretty foreign girlfriend here.”

Seunghyun chuckles politely, but Jiyong goes cold.  He doesn’t want Seunghyun to hook up with any of these girls.  He doesn’t want him near them at all.

Jiyong’s a professional, though.  He pushes those feelings down and gets the initial shots they need.  But then he sees this little blonde thing go up to Seunghyun and try to get him to dance.  He keeps the excited smile pasted on his face as he tries to ignore what’s happening.

But the next thing he knows, Seunghyun is standing beside him, and the girl’s back to dancing with her friend. 

Jiyong’s smile becomes real.

 

 

They go out clubbing a couple nights later with a bunch of their friends.  Seunghyun lounges back on one of the sofas on the VIP level, drumming his fingers against his beer while Jiyong dances about.  A couple of the SNSD girls show up and drag him out onto the dance floor. 

People keep shoving drinks into his hands, and by the time he gets back to their table, he’s giddy and buzzed and stumbling over his own feet.

He needs to sit down; the room is spinning.  He aims for the empty spot between Seunghyun and Sungmin but winds up sprawled halfway across Seunghyun’s lap.  He giggles at his blunder.  Seunghyun chuckles and helps Jiyong slide onto the cushion beside him.

When he realizes his hands are empty, he reaches over and steals Seunghyun’s drink.  Seunghyun grins and lets him.

And then Jiyong hears snickering on the other side of him.  He turns his head, prepared to tell Sungmin off for making fun of him, but then he sees that Sungmin’s not even looking at him.  He’s looking at this guy on the other side of the room.  Jiyong recognizes him as one of the members in some new idol group that’s recently debuted.

“Someone has a crush on you,” Sungmin teases, and sure enough, the boy keeps sneaking looks at Jiyong before glancing back down at his drink.  When he realizes that Jiyong’s looking back, he blushes and looks away.

Sungmin laughs.  “He has a pretty mouth, at least.  If you get bored.”

Jiyong covers his mouth with the back of his hand and laughs.  His eyes sparkle in amusement.  “We’ll see how the night goes.”

Seunghyun immediately tenses beside him.  Jiyong can sense it even through the alcohol.  Seunghyun tenses, and the air around them grows cold.  Jiyong looks over at him and sees his hands fisted tightly at his sides.  Seunghyun gives the table a hard look and then abruptly gets up.

“Hyung?”

Seunghyun ignores him.  He skirts the table in front of them and strides toward the exit.

Jiyong scrambles to follow him.  As he dashes after him, the alcohol evaporates out through his pores, leaving him cold and confused and sober.

“Hyung!” he calls again.

He doesn’t catch up to him until Seunghyun breaks out onto the crowded sidewalk and rounds the corner into the alley.  Jiyong tries to grab for his arm, but Seunghyun shakes him off, whipping around to face him and sending them both careening to a halt.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Seunghyun huffs out. 

Jiyong’s brows fly up.  Seunghyun’s chest is heaving up and down.  He looks like the world is falling apart around them, brick by toppling brick.

Jiyong’s lips part to say something, but Seunghyun shakes his head.  “ _No._   I’m _done_.”

He spins back around and tries to walk off again, but what?  He’s _done?_   Jiyong didn’t even know they’d _begun_.

“ _Wait_.”  He grabs for Seunghyun again.

Seunghyun whirls back around.  Jiyong’s never seen this kind of hardness in Seunghyun’s face.  “I’m not your boyfriend,” Seunghyun snaps.  “I _know_ that.  But do you have to rub my face in it?”

Jiyong’s mouth falls open.  His head whips over to the side of the building and back, as if the guy who was crushing on him might just appear.  “What are you talking about?  That was _nothing_.  That was just some stupid kid.”

“ _We’ll see how the night goes_ ,” Seunghyun repeats, enunciating each word just in case there’s any confusion to his point.

“I was _joking_.”

“Like you were joking with that guy at your house that morning?  Or with every other guy you let take you home?”

Jiyong’s jaw clenches shut.  Who the hell does Seunghyun think he is?  He has no right to judge.  “ _Shut_ _up_.  It’s none of your business.”

Seunghyun’s hands fly out at his sides in frustration.  “Do you really think any of those assholes give a shit about you?  Because they _don’t_.  Not like –”  Seunghyun snaps his mouth shut.  He looks away and swallows his unsaid words back down. 

All of Jiyong’s righteous anger drains away.  His lip trembles.  “Not like what?”

Seunghyun gives Jiyong a pained look.  _Not_ _like_ _I do_.  That’s the only way that sentence could end.

The fire between them cools into something achingly fragile. 

“Why don’t you _get_ it?” Seunghyun whispers.  His hand floats up so his fingertips can ghost over the soft curve of Jiyong’s face.  “What do I have to do to make you see?  _I’m_ the guy for you.”

Jiyong sucks in a breath.  His eyes dart back and forth between Seunghyun’s, heart racing from the tender touch against his skin.  He can hardly believe they’ve found their way to this moment.

“I know you’re the guy for me,” he whispers back.  “I’ve just been waiting on you to figure it out.”

Seunghyun’s lips part, and he sways into Jiyong.  His eyes fix on Jiyong’s mouth, but there are people milling about, so many people, so Seunghyun closes his eyes and presses their foreheads together, instead.  Jiyong squeezes his eyes shut and latches onto his forearms as hard as he can.

Jiyong wants to kiss him.  He can’t think of anything he’s ever wanted so much.  The fame, the fans; he’d give it all up right now if it meant Seunghyun would just _kiss_ him.

“Take me home,” Jiyong breathes.

Seunghyun’s warm breath wafts over Jiyong’s lips.  He nods, their brows still pressed together.

Reluctantly, they break apart.  Seunghyun leads him back over to the sidewalk where they can catch a cab.  Jiyong stays just one step away from him, a small presence behind the protective wall of Seunghyun’s back.  Jiyong wants to take his hand or slip his own hand into Seunghyun’s jacket pocket just like he used to, but he doesn’t dare right now, not with this many eyes on them.  A couple people on the street whisper and point excitedly at them.

They hardly look at each other the whole ride to Jiyong’s place.  The few times Seunghyun’s eyes trail over to him, Jiyong flushes at the heat he finds there and tries not to squirm in his seat.  The ride seems to take forever.  His desire multiplies inside him, builds and builds with nowhere to go.  Jiyong bites down on his lip and tries not to go crazy from anticipation.

Seunghyun is tense as he follows Jiyong into his apartment building.  All his movements are sparing, his limbs under tight control.  Jiyong presses frantically at the elevator’s call button and waits impatiently for the doors to open.  They finally do, and Seunghyun follows him in.  The moment the doors shut behind them, Seunghyun pushes him up against the wall.

Seunghyun darts in to kiss him, but Jiyong quickly turns his head.  Seunghyun’s lips brush over Jiyong’s ear, instead. 

“Camera,” Jiyong warns.

Seunghyun’s gaze slides up to where the camera is mounted.  He doesn’t move back, though.  He keeps Jiyong pinned firmly to the wall.  “What if I can’t wait?”

The sound of his voice is a dark spell against Jiyong’s ear.  “Don’t talk to me about waiting,” Jiyong huffs back.  He’s been waiting on Seunghyun for _years_.

Seunghyun peels himself away when the doors ding back open.  Jiyong brushes past him and hurries to get his door open.  When they enter his apartment, Seunghyun presses the door back shut and presses Jiyong back along with it.  The door slams as Jiyong is slammed back into it.  And then Seunghyun’s mouth is on his.

It’s hot and frantic, Seunghyun pulling at his hips even as he pins them to the door.  Seunghyun slips one leg between Jiyong’s and rocks up against him.  He tastes just as Jiyong remembers, like alcohol and cigarettes, like a precious dream coming true.

“Clothes,” Jiyong gasps, shoving Seunghyun’s jacket off his shoulders and plucking at his shirt buttons. 

Seunghyun obeys the breathy command in Jiyong’s voice.  He kicks his shoes off and starts tugging off Jiyong’s shirt.  Somehow, Seunghyun gets Jiyong’s pants undone first – so many fucking buttons on Seunghyun’s shirt, it takes forever to get him out of it.  Jiyong bucks when Seunghyun’s hand cups him through the fabric of his briefs.  Seunghyun kisses him as he caresses him, kisses him as he pushes his pants and underwear over his hips.

Jiyong pushes his cock up against Seunghyun’s hip.  It leaves a streak of precome across his skin.  Jiyong bites down on his lip and watches as Seunghyun takes him in hand.  This is the first time Seunghyun’s ever touched anyone’s dick but his own, Jiyong knows.  He watches to see how Seunghyun will react to it.  There’s a part of him that expects Seunghyun to freak out, to back down and call the whole thing off.  He thinks this might go the same way as everything else between them, aborted before it can ever really begin.

That’s not what happens, though.  Seunghyun pushes his thumb down against Jiyong’s slit and kisses him all the harder.  His hips drag over Jiyong’s as he starts to pump, and Jiyong moans and sucks on his tongue.

Jiyong wants _everything_.  Seunghyun’s harshness and his sweetness.  His _mouth_.  He knows he should go slow, let Seunghyun ease into this, but he’s been waiting for _so long_. 

Jiyong tears his mouth away.  He pushes at Seunghyun’s shoulders, pushes him down, down.  He thinks Seunghyun might balk or resist, but he doesn’t.  He goes down easily, _eagerly_ ; he goes down like a supplicant kneeling before his liege, with adoring eyes and reverent hands, face pressing against Jiyong’s belly once he’s fully on his knees.

Jiyong’s fingers touch the back of Seunghyun’s head, a gentle pressure to urge him on.  Seunghyun obeys immediately.  He fits his mouth around Jiyong’s cock and starts to suck.

There’s no finesse to it, no practiced motions, but Jiyong doesn’t care.  Just the sight of his cock sliding between Seunghyun’s lips already has him embarrassingly close.

He tilts his head back and lets it thud against the door.  “Fuck,” he breathes.

He lets Seunghyun suck him a little more before tugging back on his hair.  He’s not going to last much longer at all at this rate.

Seunghyun pulls back at Jiyong’s urging.  He looks up at him in confusion.  “Am I doing it wrong?”

Jiyong shakes his head.  He smears the saliva over Seunghyun’s bottom lip with his thumb.  “No, you’re doing everything right.”

He pulls Seunghyun back up to his feet and kisses him again.  He likes the way he tastes on Seunghyun’s tongue.

Jiyong hitches his pants back up and catches Seunghyun by the hand.  He holds Seunghyun’s hand in both of his as he starts backing his way toward his bedroom.  He gives Seunghyun a sultry look as he leads him, and Seunghyun follows along, entranced.

Jiyong keeps going till the backs of his legs hit the mattress, and then he sits down and scoots his way further up toward the headboard.  Seunghyun follows after him, bracketing his arms on either side of Jiyong’s body and crawling his way up.  Jiyong doesn’t bother turning on any of the lights.  The pale light of the moon is more than enough once their eyes adjust. 

They melt together against the mattress, Jiyong’s legs parting to cradle Seunghyun’s hips, his mouth opening to welcome Seunghyun in.  Jiyong loves the way Seunghyun kisses, as if the kiss itself is the main point and not just a tool to get them there.  He could spend days in bed doing nothing but this.

He’ll do that, he decides.  Spend a whole day just drinking Seunghyun in.  Pressed together with nothing but their mouths making love, just to see how long they can last without going further.  He’ll do that, but not tonight.

Jiyong starts pushing insistently at Seunghyun’s pants.  Seunghyun rolls off him so he can shuck them off along with his socks.  Jiyong wriggles out of his, too.  Then he reaches over to his nightstand and digs around for a condom and his lube.

Honestly, Jiyong never really needs much prep anymore.  He uses a vibrator enough that it’s just not necessary.  So he slicks his fingers and tries to make quick work of it.  Seunghyun watches as he lies back and reaches one hand far back between his legs. 

“What are you doing?” Seunghyun whispers.

Jiyong tries not to feel shy.  It’s amazing where his bravado begins and ends.  “I’m getting me ready.”

Seunghyun keeps watching.  It reminds Jiyong of the way Seunghyun watched the soundboard the first time Teddy tried showing him how it worked, intensely focused, mind working like a trap to catch all the knowledge he could.

“Can I do it?”

Jiyong’s inner muscles quiver at the thought of Seunghyun’s fingers sliding into him.  He quickly nods his head.  “Yeah.  Go ahead.”

Seunghyun does as Jiyong did, coating his fingers.  He stretches out alongside him as Jiyong eases his own fingers out, and Jiyong holds his breath as Seunghyun’s hand glides down and presses against him.  Seunghyun probes around a bit, circling the tip of his finger against Jiyong’s rim, and then he gently pushes in.  Jiyong’s eyes fall shut as two of Seunghyun’s fingers slide all the way up inside him.

Jiyong pulls one knee up to his chest to give him better access, to make it easier for those delicious fingers to glide in and out of him.  His hips jump when Seunghyun crooks his fingers.

“Do that again,” Jiyong breathlessly orders.

Seunghyun does it again, curling his fingers right where Jiyong wants them most.  He presses hot, wet kisses along the slope of Jiyong’s shoulder as Jiyong grinds down on his hand.

Jiyong whimpers as Seunghyun continues to touch him.  Seunghyun nearly purrs.  “Remember when I walked in on you that one time?  With your vibrator?”

“Shut up,” Jiyong huffs.  “We don’t talk about that.”

Seunghyun chuckles.  The dark sound goes straight to Jiyong’s cock. 

“That was the hottest thing I’d ever seen.”  His eyes drink in the sight of Jiyong writhing on his fingers.  “Till now.”

Jiyong’s eyes blink open.  He pushes on Seunghyun’s arm to get him to ease away.  “I think I know something you’ll like even better,” he says, then pushes Seunghyun down onto his back.  He slings one leg over him so he can straddle his hips.

Seunghyun’s hands slide up his thighs.  “Yeah, I guess this is nice.”

Jiyong lets out a little laugh.  “You guess?”

Seunghyun shrugs one shoulder and grins.  Jiyong brushes his thumb over his dimple in the way he’s always wanted to.

“Give me a minute,” Jiyong murmurs.  “I’m not done, yet.”

Seunghyun’s teeth sink into his bottom lip, and he watches in interest as Jiyong retrieves the condom.  Jiyong tears it open with his teeth and rolls it down Seunghyun’s length.  His hyung’s eyes get wide and wondrous as Jiyong lifts himself up and then slowly lowers himself back down.  Jiyong cups his cock against his belly so Seunghyun can watch as Jiyong takes him in.  He flexes his muscles around Seunghyun’s shaft once he’s fully seated.

“This _is_ nice,” Seunghyun declares.

Jiyong smirks as he rocks his hips.  “Yeah?”

Seunghyun nods his head, still watching the place where they fit together.  “ _Really_ nice.”

Laughing, Jiyong leans forward so he can capture Seunghyun’s lips in a kiss.

He tries to sit back up after that, but Seunghyun catches him.  His eyes bore into Jiyong’s, hands turning solemn on Jiyong’s skin.  “I don’t want to be a one night stand.”

Jiyong’s smile fades.  He thinks back to that night in Seunghyun’s bed, thinks about how Seunghyun avoided him after.  “Neither did I.”

Seunghyun gets his point immediately.  He looks away, ashamed.  “I’m sorry.  I should’ve told you that a long time ago.  I freaked out.”

Now that Jiyong has his apology, he realizes he doesn’t really need it anymore.  Seunghyun is _here_ now.  He’s here, and this time, they’re both ready for him to be here.

“It’s okay.”  Jiyong brushes his lips against Seunghyun’s.  “Don’t do it again.”

Seunghyun kisses him again, and when Jiyong moves to sit up this time, Seunghyun lets him go.  Jiyong braces his hands on Seunghyun’s chest and starts rolling his hips. 

He sucks in his bottom lip.  Seunghyun feels so _good_ , thick and hot and deep inside him.  Jiyong swivels his hips to get him in deeper.  He wants to feel Seunghyun as much as he can.

Jiyong tosses his head back as he rides him, and Seunghyun watches, captivated.  It makes Jiyong feel powerful, moving over Seunghyun like this.  Powerful and beautiful and _wanted_.  It burns all the bad memories away, burns them up like the end of a cigarette.  All the times Seunghyun didn’t see him, all the times he looked the other away, they all turn to ash and fall away.

Jiyong leans further back and gasps at the change in angle.  It pushes Seunghyun’s cock right where he needs it to go.  Seunghyun squeezes at his hips as Jiyong bounces on his lap, hands guiding him along till there’s no more sense to it, just a frantic mess of friction and flesh.  Jiyong keens as Seunghyun shoves his way inside him one last time, and then his hips jerk, and he comes hot over Seunghyun’s belly.

The motion of his hips comes to a stop, but his lungs are still working just as hard, dragging in heaving breathes and pushing them right back out.  Jiyong pants as beads of sweat trickle down his skin.  He lulls his head forward and tries to get himself back under control.  Seunghyun’s still hard and pulsing inside him.

He chances a look at Seunghyun and sees his hyung watching him with reverent eyes.  “You’re beautiful.”

Jiyong smiles and ducks his head.  He squeezes down on Seunghyun’s shaft to take the attention off him and put it on Seunghyun.  Seunghyun groans and pushes up into him.

Jiyong thinks about trying to bring him off this way, with him still on top, but he’s way too sensitive and his legs feel like jelly.  He grabs for the corner of his sheet so he can mop Seunghyun up, and then he eases up off him.

Jiyong lies down beside him and kisses him.  Seunghyun responds eagerly to the way Jiyong tangles his hands in his hair. 

Smiling, Jiyong pulls back, and then he very deliberately rolls onto his stomach.  He gives Seunghyun a coy look and pushes his hips up off the mattress, offering himself up.  Seunghyun watches the curve of his bottom with open lust in his eyes.

“What are you waiting for?” Jiyong giggles.

Seunghyun hops to attention.  He moves over Jiyong and drapes himself along his back.  Jiyong smiles to himself as Seunghyun figures out how to spread his cheeks and position himself, and then he’s pushing in.  Jiyong presses his face into the sheets as Seunghyun fills him.

Seunghyun moves slowly at first.  Carefully, as if Jiyong might break.  Jiyong reaches back and pets his flank.  “Just do what feels good.  Fuck me however you want.  I want you to.”

Seunghyun’s rhythm builds after that.  He nuzzles into the nape of Jiyong’s neck and scrapes his teeth over his shoulder.  Jiyong hisses and sinks his fingers into the sheets, beyond sensitive.

Seunghyun’s intense in a way Jiyong hadn’t been expecting.  Attentive.  He listens to Jiyong’s every sound and tries to anticipate what he wants, what he needs.  Even though Jiyong told him to seek out his own pleasure, Seunghyun’s focus is still completely on him. 

Seunghyun slides his hand up over Jiyong’s, interweaving their fingers and pressing their hands down into the mattress.  Jiyong moans as Seunghyun continues to work inside him.

“Fuck,” Jiyong whimpers.  “I _can’t_ –”

Concerned, Seunghyun starts to slow, but Jiyong reaches back and grabs at his ass, pushes him to keep going.  He screws his eyes shut and trembles at the delicious burn of Seunghyun’s shaft sliding into him over and over again.

Seunghyun is _everywhere_.  In Jiyong’s body, in his head, in his heart.  It’s what Jiyong’s always wanted, to just _drown_ in him.  Seunghyun buries his face against Jiyong’s nape and thrusts into him one last time, a deep, powerful thrust Jiyong feels all the way up in his lungs.

Seunghyun rolls off of him, panting.  His chest rises and falls with heavy breaths, dark lashes fanned against his skin, his white hair glinting silver in the moonlight.

“You’re beautiful,” Jiyong teases, repeating Seunghyun’s own words from earlier.  Seunghyun’s face splits into a grin.  Jiyong leans forward and presses his lips to the dimple that appears.

Seunghyun blinks down at the condom encasing his softened cock.  “Where do I get rid of this?”

Jiyong snickers and points out the trash can on the opposite side of the bed.  Seunghyun rolls over to make use of it.  Jiyong’s eyes immediately dip to the firm globes of his ass.

Seunghyun notices him looking and gets embarrassed.  “Close your eyes,” he orders with a laugh.

Jiyong runs his hand over him, instead.  “Make me.”

Seunghyun shakes his head and quickly finishes disposing of the condom; then he pulls at the covers until he can crawl under them and hide himself away.  Jiyong laughs at his shyness and follows him under. 

Jiyong slides over so he can rest his head on Seunghyun’s chest.  He thinks back to the day after the first time they kissed, how he’d tried to do something similar in the van.  But Seunghyun doesn’t tense this time.  He opens his arms to Jiyong and pulls him in.  Jiyong cuddles in close so he can listen to the sound of Seunghyun’s heartbeat.

“I never sleep naked,” Seunghyun suddenly says.

Jiyong laughs.  “Get used to it.”

He tugs him into yet another kiss.  Now that he’s been given this, he’s never going to give it up.

Seunghyun turns onto his side so he can reach him better, his mouth slanting over Jiyong’s so their tongues can slide lazily together.  They kiss for ages, lazy kisses filled with sweet, resolved longing.

They kiss until Seunghyun finally tucks Jiyong into his arms and they both fall asleep.

 

 

Jiyong wakes up alone the next morning.

His hand spreads over the empty space next to him and finds it still warm.

And then Seunghyun comes bustling in.  He’s back in his clothes from last night, though his shirtsleeves are rolled up and he looks wonderfully rumpled.  He’s carrying a plate of steaming food in his hands.  He sits down beside Jiyong on the bed, and Jiyong pushes himself up beside him.  Seunghyun hands him the plate.

Jiyong grins down at it.  “You made me breakfast?”

“Yeah.”  The corner of his mouth tugs up in a self-conscious grin.  “That’s what boyfriends are supposed to do, right?  Or is it different when it’s two guys?”

Jiyong thinks back to the way Seunghyun used to be with his old girlfriend, how attentive he was, the way he doted on her.  Jiyong doesn’t want to miss out on any of that.  He wants the full Seunghyun boyfriend experience.

“No.  It’s not different.”

Jiyong takes a tentative bite.  Seunghyun laughs at the look that crosses his face.  “I’ll get better, I promise.”

 

 

He and Seunghyun are scheduled to debut their new song at the MAMAs.  They rehearse throughout the day, and that night, they go backstage to get ready while the award show carries on without them.  Jiyong slips into Seunghyun’s partitioned off part of the dressing room and finds him puffing on a cigarette while he adjusts his tie. 

Jiyong steals the cigarette from him and takes a long drag, and then he pulls Seunghyun down into a kiss.  Seunghyun tilts his head to deepen it, the bitterness of tobacco smoke filling both their mouths.

He still can’t get over it.  That Seunghyun’s his to kiss, now.  “I feel like I waited forever for this.  You played hard to get for so long.”  Jiyong murmurs the words right against Seunghyun’s lips.

Seunghyun chuckles.  “Was it worth it?”

Jiyong pushes his mouth more insistently against Seunghyun’s.  The cigarette burns up in his hand, tobacco turning to ash.  His other hand raises to frame Seunghyun’s face, and the pad of his finger fits perfectly in the dip of his dimple.

As Seunghyun kisses him, Jiyong thinks about rap and Wu-Tang and shared earbuds.  About sleepless nights and his broken heart poured into a hundred songs.  He weighs the number of times Seunghyun’s made him cry against the number of times he’s made him smile, and the scale tips.  It’s not even close.

“Yeah.”  Jiyong smiles and flicks his ashes to the floor.  “It was worth it.”

 

 

 


End file.
